{image from The Sweetest Occasion via Pinterest}
Note – I’ve been sitting on this post for a while, and decided the time had come to share it.
I got thinking about this topic on a morning walk recently, and decided that I needed to write a blog post about it. This decision is a big part of Nick and my life and lifestyle, so I feel it’s something I need to address. Both to ‘get it out of the way’ and explain this aspect of our life, and also because I think it’s an important topic in general.
I’m a bitΓΒ trepidatiousΓΒ about this, to be frank – this is a topic that can get people a bit riled up. I’m hoping that we can keep the discussion positive and thoughtful… we shall see.
Nick and I are childfree. That is, we have made the deliberate choice to not have children.
I believe that this topic is too often glossed over or ignored in our society – but I also believe that it’s an important one to discuss.
Today I wanted to let you in on our decision, in the hopes that it might help some people who choose to have children understand those of us who don’t a little better!
Why we don’t talk about it
Those of us who are childfree (we prefer that term to ‘childless’ – because childless usually implies that you want kids but can’t have them, and I am not speaking for those people today) often keep our mouths shut about our decision. You would think that the decision to not have children would be happily embraced these days along with every other lifestyle choice.
However, (and this is, I believe, especially true for women) there is still a pervasive sense in our society that if you are a person who doesn’t want children – or even worse, doesn’t really like children – that there is something just a little bit wrong with you.
(On a personal note – I’m one of those women who is not interested in babies, I never have been. And as for children – in my mind they are just little people. I don’t like them more or less than big people, but my like of them is dependent on the same things that make me like a grown-up. The fact that little kids are often loud and self-absorbed means I generally like little kids less than older ones.)
We hear the endless pronouncements that ‘you’ll change your mind when you’re older/when you hit your 30s’, that having kids is ‘the best thing I’ve ever done!’, that ΓΒ ‘it’s different when they’re yours’ or ‘you’d make wonderful parents’. Our parents tell us that they can’t wait to have grandchildren.
You know, we might be great parents. And it probably is different when they’re yours. And of course our parents would like grandkids. But those are not reasons to have a child.
In short, pretty much everyone around us assumes that we’re going through a phase and that we’ll change our minds.
So, we decide it’s easier to nod and smile whenever someone makes a comment about our future children, because, frankly, we’re just not up for another argument.
I’m speaking in generalisations here, but those of you reading this who are also childfree will no doubt be nodding your head in recognition of some of my scenarios.
My plea to those of you who choose to have kids is this – please believe us when we say we don’t want them, and please don’t try to change our minds. We’re happy for and respect you in your choice, and we just ask the same in return.
Because yes, it’s true – life changes, we change, and maybe one day we will decide that the time is right to bring a child of our own into the world. But that time is not now. I’m a big believer that there is no constant but change, however, that doesn’t make our decision not to have children right now any less true or valid.
Being childfree is increasingly common, which is why I think the decision needs to be understood. In fact, all of my closest offline friends are childfree. In one instance, they are childless, due to unfortunate circumstance, but in all the other cases, it is through choice. And all of these people are in their 30’s or older, so the chances that they’ll change their mind is pretty slim.
Why we don’t want them
I think this is a very personal decision, so I’m just going to discuss why I don’t want kids. (Just a note – Nick and I are on the same page with this, but I’m going to focus on my own reasons here, not his.)
For me, the decision to not have children is both an instinctual and logical one.
I have never felt ‘clucky’. I’ve never felt an emotional desire to have a child. Sure, occasionally I’ll see a particularly cute kid, and I’ll think ‘hmm, maybe it would be nice’. However, after no more than 5 minutes with pretty much any kid under the age of 6, that nascent feeling quickly goes out the window and I breathe an inner sigh of relief that I get to go home without one!
Now, for the logic. If we go from the premise that I don’t feel a desire to have kids, the logical arguments simply back up and reinforce my decision. Some of the reasons are:
- We love our lifestyle. I can run my business how I want, without the stress of ‘providing’ for a child. Nick is free to do what he wants with his life. We don’t have a mortgage, because we don’t need more than these two rooms for us to be happy. We sleep in. We eat when and what we want. We can travel where and when we want. We spend our days how we choose. In short – we only have to consider each other (and our parents and friends, to a lesser extent) in our life decisions.
- I have been a teacher – yep! And – by and large – I enjoy teaching kids! But I also enjoy that I get to give them back at the end of the day. I have literally had a parent say to me ‘don’t have kids, get dogs‘. And yeah, she was kinda joking. Kinda. I have seen the stress, tiredness, and pain that so many parents live with. Especially when they have a child with some sort of behavioural problem or disability. (I have also seen the joy and pride parents feel for their kids, of course).ΓΒ However, I don’t want to be a tired person who has to put my own desires and needs down the ladder to care for someone else. That does make me selfish, yes, and I don’t deny that. But it also leaves me free to contribute to the world via my work, in a way I am passionate about.
- Disability. My ex-partner was a Special Ed teacher. Again, I saw first-hand theΓΒ struggle that filled the lives of parents with severely disabled kids. I am too scared of that possibility. That is, my fear of that happening to me far outweighs the joy I perceive in having a healthy child.
- Some people argue that having children is a vital legacy. I think of my grandmother’s recent funeral – we, herΓΒ descendants, were all there, and we mourned her passing greatly. And sure, when I think of being old, without family, it saddens me. But again. This is not a reason to have children. Because you never know what’s going to happen. There is noΓΒ guaranteeΓΒ that ΓΒ you will have children who will outlive you, stick around when they grow up, have kids of their own… etc
- On the topic of legacy, and those we remember in history – we don’t remember them because they had kids (with the exception, perhaps, of the Virgin Mary, but that’s a WHOLE other blog post!). We remember them for the work they did in the world. The books they wrote, the discoveries they made. That is the kind of legacy I’d like to leave behind me. And by not having kids, I give myself many more years of life devoted to creating a legacy of this sort (gee, that kinda makes me nervous – heavy expectation on myself there!).
- We have a history of pretty horrific post-natal-depression in my maternal family. Sure, if I know it’s likely, I can be prepared – but that won’t stop it from happening to me. It’s something I’d much prefer to avoid.
This is obviously not an exhaustive list. But I hope it gives a little more insight into my decision.
Now, for some FAQ’s!
Why did you get married if you don’t want kids?
Wow, okay, I really dislike this question, but unfortunately, it does actually get asked. We got married because we love each other, and wanted to commit ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. We aren’t religious people – we think marriage should be available to any two people who want to bond themselves together in love.
Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?
The same people who take care of most old folk – nursing home staff. We just won’t have kids/grandkids visiting. Of course, my goal is to be a fit, active and mentally acute person till the day I die, but of course, we can’t see what the future holds.
Don’t you want a family of your own?
I have one. Nick and I – and our kitty (soon to be kitties if I get my way – mwaahaaa) – are a very happy family. I’m also lucky to live right next to my parents. I also have a very large extended family with squillions of cousins. I’m not wanting for relatives!
Won’t you regret your decision one day?
Maybe. But it will only be an occasional fleeting thought of what might have been. Life is full of ‘what might have been’s’. What might my life have been like if I’d married my ex-partner of 8 years instead of Nick? What if I’d chosen to pursue a career in science like I always planned when I was younger? Life is full of what-ifs, this will just be another one of them. I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
Wow. That certainly turned into an epic, didn’t it? I guess I had a lot more to say on the topic than I expected.
I hope I managed to make my thought processes clear, and I’m very happy to answer any questions you might have in the comments!
One final note. I feel veryΓΒ privileged to be born a woman in a time and place that allows me to not only make this decision, but to have the freedom and means to discuss it. I have lived a blessed life, and my aim is to be a productive, happy, and inspiring member of society. I am so very, very lucky to have the freedom I do.
I’d also love to hear from you as to why you decided to have kids/remain childfree, if you’re happy to share!
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Thank you for being brave Jess.
You shouldn’t have to explain your families decision to be childfree – but I am glad you did. Not just so we get to know more about you, but to give a voice to the many woman who are thinking the same way but are worried about the judgment.
Ainslie
Thanks Ains – and giving a voice to all childfree people was definitely a goal here π
Ah Jess thankyou.
Sean & I, too, have made the well considered decision to be child free & are constantly being asked to explain this decision. I do not ask my friends why they chose to have children & do find it peculiar that they feel it’s ok to ask such questions. I do think that many assume we weren’t able to have them as they fee they need a reason to file away. We are in our early 40’s and there’s no changing of our minds at this stage! I cannot imagine our life together any different or better than it is now. We have our little puppy to smother in love and affection and friends children & nieces/nephew in our lives and we’re satisfied with that.
xxx
Nici – I fear that the questions are only going to get more frequent as we move through our 30s, and more people around us have kids. Thank you so much for your insight from a little bit further along the journey! π
Wonderful – and I DO mean WONDERFUL – post, Jess! Wonderfully explained, in my opinion. Thank you for giving such thoughtful, eloquent voice for so many of us who have chosen this lifestyle =)
Thanks Meredith! xx
What a great post! I was nodding my head through a lot of this. In my family it’s just expected for the woman to go to college, find her husband while there, get married by their early twenties, and then start producing offspring. I’m a college graduate, not married, in my mid-twenties, and the only children I have are my two cats…and I’m okay with that. My family, not so much.
Growing up I always just assumed I’d have kids–but now that I’m at that “baby-making age”, I’m not so sure. I like kids, and for me, yes it might change when I get older and I have a partner that feels the same. For right now though, I like living my life how I want and when I want to. There is still so much I want to do and I don’t want to necessarily do it with a child in tow.
The standard conversation when I go visit family is when I am going to have babies. My mom and father want grandkids while they are still young enough to enjoy it. As if me having a child is solely based on their desires. It can get frustrating and I have learned just to let them get it out of their system and wait for the conversation to turn.
Sweetie, the parental pressure is a hard thing to deal with – I’m lucky that my parents (while wanting grandkids – and I’m an only child) certainly don’t make an issue of it.
I think what you said here sums it up “I like kids, and for me, yes it might change when I get older and I have a partner that feels the same. For right now though, I like living my life how I want and when I want to. There is still so much I want to do and I donΓ’β¬β’t want to necessarily do it with a child in tow.”
It’s not a final decision that you need to make now, and good luck charting the best course for your own life xx
Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband and I have also made the decision to be childfree, much to the chagrin of a lot of people, it seems. I’ve been asked the same questions as you. It can be frustrating, to say the least.
Also, one doesn’t have to be blood related to be family. My grandmother is not blood related to me, yet I’ve always known her as my grandmother. She has no living relatives left, but she is not alone and has many friends and “family” to care for her and visit with her.
Jessica – great point about the not being blood related thing.
I fully intend to be a plugged in old lady with lots of cool young internet friends ;P
Jess I’m proud of your decision:) people shouldn’t be so nosey about other peoples business and try to change your mind! They need to just accept that what they do or want isn’t right for everyone! Everyone is different! xxx
Thank you, sweetie, you’re absolutely right!
Thanks for sharing Jess! My husband and I have made the decision to definitely have kids (obviously- cause I’m 5 months pregnant π ), and it IS something we thought about and considered all the options on. I see a similar logic in us having kids, as in you not having kids- just a different set of values I guess, produced different results! π
It’s nice to read someone else’s point of view, and understand why they’ve made the decision they have.
I know how scary it is posting really personal opinions online, so good on you for being brave and putting it out there!
T
Thanks T! I love what you said about ‘considering all the options’. What scares me is when people just have kids because it’s ‘what you do’… but not everyone is cut out for parenthood. I feel for those who go into it due to expectations, rather than due to a well-thought-out desire!
I found out just the other day that I’m pregnant with my 5th child (5 weeks today :D) but I can understand your reasoning behind wanting to stay child free. That’s perfectly fine (of course it is, you don’t need permission). In defence of us mothers, it’s not all bad. Every day my kids challenge me to be better than I am. I see the worst of myself sometimes either through my reactions or through their actions and it makes me strive to be better. That mum who said to you not to have kids but dogs, we all have our bad days and wonder what we were thinking when we decided to become mothers but for the majority of us those regrets are just as fleeting as yours are. We never planned on five, it’s just a happy accident for us but it is a challenge to keep my sanity some days. However, the joy, the laughter, the funny things that they say, hearing “Mum” for the first time, or “I love you”, sloppy kisses and squeezy cuddles certainly makes up for it. Actually, my mother passed away August 2009, at that stage we had 3 kids and all of us went to the funeral. When I broke down during the powerpoint presentation of pics of my mum, I suddenly had 6 little arms wrapped around me. They may drain my energy and even my will to live some days, but in so many ways they are my strength and my comfort.
I’ve got a friend with a child who is severely handicapped (a mix of severe autism and massive developmental delays), her husband hasn’t coped well with it over the years but they have survived, their marriage has survived and I can see the strength it’s produced in them. It’s not all bad really.
As for me and why I had kids, every child I’ve had is a reflection of the love I have for my husband. He’s my best friend, and seeing a mix of me and him in all of our kids is an indescribable joy for me.
There’s no law that says you have to have kids (thankfully). For both sides of the argument there’s stuff the other side will miss out on. I exchanged career and overseas jetsetting for sloppy kisses and endless washing Γ’β’Β₯. But I wouldn’t ever change my decision, not even if I had the chance (and I won’t convince you to change yours).
Thank you so much, Christy! Your post moved me – that good stuff is what I know I’ll be missing!
Glad to hear from the other side of the fence, so to speak xx
This is a great post, Jess! I nodded along with a lot of it. Except for the difference being that I ADORE kids! I’ve honestly never felt like I would have any of my own, I’ve just never been able to picture myself in that kind of family situation, but for as long as I can remember, I’ve loved children. I’ve spent the last 13 years of my life working with them. I’ve always especially loved babies. Sometimes I do feel as if I want them, and it has always been expected of me. But I’ve always maintained that I love them, but I also love giving them back at the end of the day and coming home to my nice, quiet house!
Yes, this! π “But IΓ’β¬β’ve always maintained that I love them, but I also love giving them back at the end of the day and coming home to my nice, quiet house!”
I’m definitely ambivalent about kids in general. I’ve met some kids I’ve adored… others, not so much ;P
Haha, in 13 years, I’ve only ever met 2 children I didn’t like and that was while working in a long day care center. All the kids I’ve been a nanny for, for the most part, I feel as if they are my own. So in a way, I already have many children! π
What a WONDERFUL post. For the most part you have written what I have been feeling for years π It has been lovely to read about like minded people. We married at 21, and although we talked about having kids in the future, we had realised by the time we were 30, we really didn’t want any. We are now 51 and do not regret our choice, as others said we would. Yes, very occasionally, I wonder what I may have missed out on, but I have 3 nephews, 2 nieces, 2 great nephews & 2 great nieces, all of which I have been able to love and spoil and give back to their parents π
Thank you, Cathy, for your thoughts! Nick and I had a wonderful visit with my aunt and uncle in France recently. They’re in their 60s, never had kids (both were teachers!) and they are very happy.
Sometimes I worry a little about how this decision will affect me when I’m older, but then I hear from people like you and them,who are a little bit further along the path, and it reassures me to no end! π x
What an interesting post! I sort fit into that category you described where, having always loved and wanted kids, I find it hard to relate to people who don’t. When meeting childfree couples in the past, I’ve wholeheartedly respected their decision but privately, struggled to understand why.
BUT – having had my first baby a year ago, I’ve become a big supporter of, “If you don’t really want it, please don’t do it” because it is bloody hard. The hardest thing, actually, that I’ve ever done. It is hard to go from 30 years of sleep-ins and brunches and lazy afternoons to extreme sleep deprivation, struggling to find time to even have a daily shower, taking an hour to prepare to simply go down to the shops.
The whole experience of being a mum is one of extremes – the sweetest highs and the darkest lows; completely bursting with love and then completely depleted of everything. Being a parent changes your whole life. It offers the best rewards, but definitely at a cost.
So while I know how amazing the experience is, I totally support people who choose to be childfree, because if you don’t really want what’s coming…you’re probably in for a rough ride!
Thank you for this post, it was great to peek into your reasoning.
Hanny – thank you so much for your honesty!
I think that’s why I know it’s not for me – I’m not (at this stage, anyway) willing to put up with the lows to experience the highs π
I’ll just cuddle my kitty and be glad he takes care of himself most of the time. I think that’s why I like cats – they’re independent π
This was a great post Jes! I like that you spelled out the reasons people give you for having kids and you are right, none of them are good reasons. I applaud you for doing what you truly want to do rather than having a kid for selfish reasons or because you think you’re “supposed” to have one.
Thanks so much, Gina! And yes, I always feel frustrated when people throw those ‘reasons’ out there… but really, they’re just societal expectations OR they have an ulterior motive…
Great post Jess! And great responses from your readers too!
I always wanted to have kids. I love our little boy to pieces, but sometimes (used to be often – I’m glad he’s growing up :-)) wonder if I’d known what it would really cost us, would I have made that decision? When I talk to other mums the things that come up in terms of the cost of having kids are selfishness, sleep and spontaneity. Thankfully, we’re starting to enjoy some of the advantages now though. He comes up with the funniest things, and his love for us makes me all squishy inside :-). It’s honestly such a privilege to be his custodian, with all the responsibility that comes with it.
The funny thing is, we’ve now decided to only have our 1 child. And we get asked the same questions as couples without any kids!!!
Michelle – I’ve heard other people with just one child say that! Take it from me, being an only child is awesome π
Hi Jess!
I can not imagine my life without kids, I’ve known I’d have babies since I was a baby. I was the kid, that while all the others were outside playing, I was inside staring at the sleeping baby if there was one around. So while I kinda don’t get how not EVERYONE in the whole wide world wants one, what I do get is that already this morning, I’ve eaten cold rubbery scrambled eggs because I had to deal with someone else’s bodily functions before I could get to eat it, I think I still have conditioner in my hair that I didn’t have time to wash out properly, I had to try and make bunting for the markets with a 2 year old ‘helping’ and the baby has not stopped eating since sometime Monday. You have to REALLY want to do this to find the joy in that kind of frustration day in day out. Right now, I have a 2 year old telling me to move over because he wants to come and help me ‘write the letter’.
I think this should be spoken about more often, I think women should be given the freedom to choose their life. I know someone who had children to satisfy her now ex husband. The oldest has autism and the ex husband has nothing to do with either of them. She’s now stuck in a life she didn’t want. She struggles everyday to find any sort of joy or moment to herself.
Point is, joy & satisfaction should be the driving force behind any life choice you make (in my opinion anyway). I get massive amounts of joy and satisfaction in my day, but I am sure that just like I don’t *quite* understand why you don’t want kids (not because it’s right or wrong, purely because it’s *different* to my choices so I never quite see it as clearly as you would), I am sure you probably struggle to understand how I could get joy out of a day where the highlight is NOT having to change a dirty nappy ;).
Whatever ‘side’ you are on, I think you are brave for sharing and it should be done more often!
And for what it’s worth, when anyone gets upset about YOUR choices, it’s usually a reflection on their insecurity in their *own* choices.
(Ok, this has taken me an hour to type with a 2 year old being 2 and a baby being a baby….)
Hehe, so glad you could leave a comment, lovely! Thank you for sharing your story – and I think your little ones are very lucky to have a mum like you x
I agree, Kathryn, your kids have a good’un! Well put.
Fabulous blog! you only need to be proud of yourself to voice your personal opinion on this particular topic, yes all women get frowned upon for not popping them out and praised when they do and then put up with opinions of others on how they are raising their kids or why they havent lost their “baby fat”..it could be neverending!
Simply put, those who voice their opinions without being asked for one or pass judgement are voicing an issue or problem they have about themselves. I tend to ask people who do this (in a most diplomatic way)”what business is it of yours?” or “why are you making it your business?” “how does what they do affect you?”…to say the least it leaves them dumbfounded and speechless.
Marija – yes! I agree totally π
Good on you Jess, for making your OWN decision and sticking to it. You know i am childfree, i am pretty vocal about it.
I wanted to say two things. First, it doesn’t make you selfish not wanting to care for someone and putting your needs ahead of someone who DOESN’T exist. Selfish would be if you HAD kids and then don’t care for them properly. I don’t think you can be selfish if there is no one else involved?!
Second, i hate that argument, “When you are old you gonna be lonely and regret it.” Apart from the obvious reasons of your kids not being or wanting to be around, Thanks so much for judging my life, right?! You can have friends and family around and do all sorts of things when you are old, it’s up to you. Also making a decision on the grounds that you MIGHT regret it in the future doesn’t make sense. You don’t regret it right now, so it’s very likely you never will.
“Also making a decision on the grounds that you MIGHT regret it in the future doesnΓ’β¬β’t make sense. You donΓ’β¬β’t regret it right now, so itΓ’β¬β’s very likely you never will.” – right on, lady!
And you make a great point about selfishness. It’s part of why I don’t want kids – I can see that I might be one of those ‘selfish’ mums, and I’d really rather NOT do that to another human being.
I have three boys, the eldest of whom finished high school yesterday – hence I’m a veteran! Obviously I never considered not having children but I totally respect your decision and agree that you can contribute more to society in general sense if you don’t have kids.
I will say, however, that having a child with a disability is not all bad. I have a son with autism and whilst I worry about him a lot he has actually made me a happier person, by allowing me to focus on what’s important in life.Ironically,the issues I’ve confronted with my other children have made me unhappier at times.
And as for getting a dog – they’re too much hard work! Stick to cats.
Thanks so much for sharing about your son, Benison x
Hehe, I think I will stick to cats! π
Jess, try being child free, not living with your man, and owning a house, thats when the questions really start, especially from tradesmen who can’t fathom how a female can own a house without a man. I can so totally relate to you. Going back to read the whole article just had to say that lol
“especially from tradesmen who canΓ’β¬β’t fathom how a female can own a house without a man” – urgh, seriously? In this day and age?
Good grief. Good on you, my dear! x
Thanks so much for sharing Jess, I know you & Nick have been sitting on this blog post for a while. Since you first told me about it I’ve agonised over how to respond. If I’d stay anonymous or ‘out’ myself. If I could cope with nasty, bitter comments (I can’t) & if I’d damage my chances at finding work in an industry that seems to go hand in hand with happy families. I’m still very apprehensive, but like you, I really want to share my story.
There seems to be a bit of a perception that not having kids is disrespectful to those that can’t or that we are judging those that do. Or that we hate kids or would hurt them. I don’t understand that. We just don’t want our own. I get a little nervous around them but We don’t hate them.
When I first met my husband nearly a decade ago, he told me he didn’t want kids. Over the years me, our families and maybe even him have toyed with the idea briefly. I know rellies want us to have them but so what? They aren’t the ones that have to raise them. I don’t want my man to work away to support us. We have always come back to the conclusion that for the two of us, it is a very, very bad idea.
Over the decade, I did go through periods of cluckiness but looking back, I can see I was bored, lonely & craving security. I’ve wondered if I could even have kids – my extended family sneeze & fall pregnant. I’ve never really had a legitimate scare. And when things are a little out of whack I’ve always been relieved when I find I’m not pregnant. The medical side of being pregnant makes me really squeamish & on top of my health issues the body changes would be nearly unbearable.
There are many complicated reasons why we aren’t having any and it isn’t just money or lifestyle. I worked in a job where I encountered many people whose children were born with illnesses & disabilities and their struggles really affected me. We have some serious genetic conditions/predispositions on all sides of our families and we are not willing to take any risks. My husband’s late father had severe bipolar that was diagnosed when my husband was in his teens and as he approaches the same age as his dad was when diagnosed he is terrified he will follow the same path.
We have small family members we love, but for us, our family is complete with our cat. We are happy. We are both solitary people and enjoy our alone time. Our life isn’t for everyone but it’s right for us.
I also have older relatives in the UK who have never had kids and nobody could say they didn’t or haven’t lived life to the fullest before passing on.
Anyway… that’s a little about how I feel about that! All opinions are personal and no reflections on anyone else’s choice.
“There seems to be a bit of a perception that not having kids is disrespectful to those that canΓ’β¬β’t or that we are judging those that do. Or that we hate kids or would hurt them. I donΓ’β¬β’t understand that. We just donΓ’β¬β’t want our own. I get a little nervous around them but We donΓ’β¬β’t hate them.”
SO TRUE!!! I’m really glad you made that point.
“We have small family members we love, but for us, our family is complete with our cat. We are happy. We are both solitary people and enjoy our alone time. Our life isnΓ’β¬β’t for everyone but itΓ’β¬β’s right for us.”
I can COMPLETELY relate to this point.
Thanks so much, sweetie, so glad you weighed in x
Hi Jess.
What I liked about this post:
1. Honesty
2. Generosity – you didn’t need to tell us all this, but you did.
3. Dialogue – you have begun one. I do like conversation. Especially when we women can support each other.
4. Gentleness – you are by no means advocating this lifestyle for everybody. You simply and quite thoroughly examine your own choices and put them ‘on paper’ for us to think about.
5. Wisdom – like I said in my tweet to you, I think you are wise to take into account a family history of PND when deciding whether or not to have children. Having had the PND myself, I would take it along with my three kids any day of the week. But of course there are times when I dream about having a biz like yours instead!
6. More wisdom – you don’t buy into the lie that women can ‘have it all’. You recognise that each choice we make impacts on what we can and cannot achieve.
7. Context – you quite rightly reflect that this subject is unique to our particular time. Modern women can make choices like this that our grandmothers could not.
8. I love your work. π
Sal. x
Thank you so, so much, Sal *big squeezy hug*
oh yes i agree SO much, it is such a lie that “women can have it all” You can’t have everything and give it equal undivided attention. I am also annoyed by the “busy mum” term. Its not even enough just to be a “mum” these days, you have to call yourself a “busy mum” (very much used in advertising)
Excellent post. I’ve heard the “you’ll change your mind” and similar lines often. It does get frustrating. Luckily, my parents have never really made an issue of it and lovingly refer to our dachshund as their grandchild. π
Thanks so much, Jen π
I know for you you probably now feel liberated in telling us all about your child free choice, but seriously, why do we feel in this world we have to explain our personal choices. It was great reading though Jess and I guess its nice to understand different views on life choices people make. I love that we are free to make choices but hate that we think we need to explain our choices if you know what I mean?
Very nicely written too !
I do know what you mean, Miriam. I think, for me, this post was as much about sharing my thoughts in the hope that I might help other people in the same place as me clarify their thoughts, as it was for me to share my own reasons π
I did want kids, but in my head this was *older kids* (ie 3+) and I went into it very aware that that first three years could be a disaster for me since I am very much NOT a baby person. (I can say that it *is* different when they’re your own, and also varies by the temperament of the baby!)
Our first was always-on-all-the-time and slept much, much less than the literature suggested he should (fortunately nearly all his sleep was at night so it wasn’t catastrophic), but that was ‘normal’ and healthy for him. Both parents were exhausted all the time and our house was falling apart. I love him to bits and I wouldn’t change him, but I’m definitely scared of having another like him π
I make no judgement calls on other people’s desire to have kids or not. I wouldn’t wish my bouts of depression after #1 on anyone, let alone someone that has no inner need to have children. I am thankful that my son has no health problems and that we can afford the childcare he needs to get enough stimulation during the day (I still can’t sustain the energy needed to look after him at home full-time). I am thankful that I don’t have health issues to make it harder. I do wish sometimes that we lived closer to family to have a little more support that way, but we knew the issues there before we had babies ^_^ There are so many things to consider in having/not having kids – it changes your whole life – and we need to respect and support the decisions of people that love their life the way it is and don’t need to add kids to turn it upside down. Why is it considered ‘normal’ to just have them?
We thought hard before committing to having another one, and started having to field the “WHEN are you having another one?” question. When?! Why not ask IF first?
(For the record, my second baby is delightful, and easy compared to #1. We’d always thought we’d like two or three but we very nearly stopped after the first.)
I wish I could be more clear but I’ve been living on six hours’ sleep for months now π
Jenna – same, if I ever thought about kids, it was usually either a precocious 10-year-old, or a grown-up 25 year old I picture! π
Glad to hear that number 2 is giving you an easier ride! x
Excellent post, really struck a chord with me.Most of my friends have children, i am basically the only one who doesn’t.
No one should have to justify why they are not having children. I don’t go up to my friends and shoot questions at them and their choices – why are you having kids? What is having kids doing to your relationship? Why does your child look so much like Pete from next door? What has giving birth done to your genitalia? blah blah blah. So I really find it irritating when I get asked why why why, and told that “I will regret it…”
We all have different ways to contribute to this world, and for women, producing offspring is not the only way anymore.
Love your honesty. Thank you.
“Why does your child look so much like Pete from next door?” lol, that made me giggle.. π
I am lucky to have a lot of childfree friends, so I have that support. It would be hard if they were all parents!
Hey Jess, That WAS a great post. I’m now in my late 30’s and have known many families in your position. Alas, I was one of them ; )
The thing that changed things for me was that I very accidentally (never missed a pill – EVER, as I was terrified of getting pregnant) – got pregnant. It was truly a terrible time. I was on serious medication that should never be taken in pregnancy, and WE DID NOT WANT A BABY. We had been together for 8 years, and were very very clear. And yes, we had made a pact that should this happen, we would terminate as quickly as we could. But my cycle strangely still happened in those first few months and by the time we got home (from O/S) we were in ‘late term termination’ territory. With the pharmaceuticals that I had taken, and the many many hours of testing that I had to make sure the baby would be OK – a panel of three doctors told me in no uncertain terms that I had well and truly mangled this baby, that they would do a late term termination “unless I wanted to be changing nappies on a 40 year old when I was 70”. It was really very simply. I would be induced, go into labour, birth the baby. Hold the baby until it died (they expected it would just be a few minutes at most **WTF**) – and move on with some counselling **WTF**
We had the baby. I still cannot tell you why. I think the hormones took over and I was out of my mind. My husband hated me for what I was about to do to him. We had made a PROMISE.
The baby is totally TOTALLY fine. In fact better than fine. Super bright. A true feminist (aged 11) – and fierce. My post-natal depression was intense, our marriage nearly ended 20 times in that first year as we couldn’t cope with the direction our lives had taken. WE WERE SO SURE. So sure that we just hated the fact that our ‘dream life together’ was wrecked. Yes, we did hold all the same ideals as you and your partner, and I had absolutely no special warmth for children. We had booked in to have ‘my tubes tied’ before the pregnancy happened. Where the hell this kid came from I have no idea!
All I can say is we did go on to have more, I did have PND with all of them. But when the first baby was about two, it felt like somehow all the planets aligned and everything made sense.
SOOOOO, what was all that about? I am often telling my childless friends – the ‘humans don’t need to have children’, that there is equal pain to happiness. That it is exhausting, restrictive and at times punishing. It’s a bizarre thing that ANYONE has one, or especially that they have another.
However, my advice to you Jess (I know you didn’t ask for any) is that sometimes life throws exactly what it wants to you, and the more fixed you are in ANY one belief, the harder it is to go with the flow. In hindsight I feel that the depression was largely still the core of my being fighting something that I had declared for sooo long that would never be part of my life.
Anyhoo. Power to you for making a decision that isn’t ‘the norm’ in our society, but be sure to protect yourself by understanding that (unless you BOTH have every reproductive part of you hacked out), you probably don’t know how you will feel if it mysteriously happens. Or maybe you will. Just saying.
Thank you so much for this. I definitely have a fear in the back of my mind about having an accident… and what you went through sounded horridly traumatic! I’m so glad it worked out for you, your husband, and your kids.
And I think you’re absolutely right. If we found ourselves in that position – who knows? That’s definitely why I added my ‘only constant is change’ disclaimer at the top. xx
Another great post, Jess.
My husband and I are also childfree, in our 30s, have never desired to have kids and have no plans of having kids.
That’s my main reason, I just never wanted them. And that is enough for me. I will not have an unwanted child.
But also, (and people get easily offended by this, though I do not mean it to be offensive at all!) I believe it’s selfish for woman to continue to keep having kids when there are already SO many unwanted kids in the world. That is my response when they accuse me of being selfish.
Thanks Rach. Yeah – it frustrates me to no end that in Australia, there are so many people who want to adopt a child, but it’s SO hard for them to do so!
Hi Jess
I was very moved by reading your post today and the coments it attracted. I don’t usually reply to posts or put my thoughts out on the big world web but you have struck a chord and so I will make an exception!!
I really enjoy your blog/jewellery/ideas/life in general and really admire all that you do! Your enthusiam for life is energy is incredible!
Anyway the reason I am going to write this is because if someone had given me a blog and a computer and told me to write someting, 3 and a half years ago, about not wanting children, I would have written the same thing!
I was 29 years old, had been running my own successful cafe and catering business for 6 years, was finally making enough money to keep me happy, had plans for the future of travelling around Australia, parents who never pressured us for Grandkids (my mum is a teacher, and had enough children in her life! My partners family have grankids from other siblings) had a fabulous partner who was nearing the big 40 without having had kids and was ambivilient towards them when, and most importantly I’m also not a big fan of kids or babies (When I thought of kids I always thought I’d just like to adopt, but only nice grown up children!)… when… yes you guessed it!… we fell pregnant!! oops!
Oh my goodness how my life has changed in the past 3 years! My almost 3 year old is hunting for our cat with a torch after he has been dragging some wool around the house for her to chase(that came from a perfectly good ball, that I had big plans for that did not involve the cat) and my 2 month old boy is asleep in the bassinet beside me!
I sold my business after 3 months of running it and being a full time Mum and was so surprised when I found I didn’t even miss it! Have bought a house and discovered that living in the state for an extended period of time is ok! And am currently planning a new crafty business venture and spending my time between setting up my website and sew, sew, sewing (which I do while rocking the bassinet with one foot and turning the Tv on, or late at night!)
Anyway, my point, which I seem to have lost is, I love my life now as much as I loved my life then, it’s just different! Having children does not change you THAT much! I’m still the same person, just a Mummy now!
The thing I love best about my little accident boy is that I have made a little version of myself and the love of my life!! I love everything that he does but most of all I love the way we understand each other because he is a part of me! I’m so glad I found out how easy it is to make people who are awesome because they are you!
“The thing I love best about my little accident boy is that I have made a little version of myself and the love of my life!! I love everything that he does but most of all I love the way we understand each other because he is a part of me! IΓ’β¬β’m so glad I found out how easy it is to make people who are awesome because they are you!”
I love this, Nina. And to be honest, that is perhaps the ONE argument that actually makes me pause. The thought of a little person who has both Nick and I in them is attractive, I’ll grant that! π
Jess, this is so well written! Clear and concise but at no point cold or removed. I believe this is a topic that needs to be discussed. So good on you for being so brave!
This is my story albeit v. briefly. I fell pregnant at 23, and knew it was right for me. I devote my time and energy to my kids, i chose/choose not to put them in to daycare/after school care, and have been a stay at home mum for 12 years now. It is a sacrifice, one i have happily made {most of the time}. Sometimes I get scared that i may have ‘lost’ myself… but then i remember that i am not lost i am ME. Mother, lover, friend, daughter and my journey is continuing… and always evolving.
Thankyou for this thought provoking post. Much love xxx
Thank you Leah. I think you’re doing a great thing, being there for your kids. I think if I were a mum, I’d want to make sure I was around, and I know at this stage in my life I have other passions I want to follow!
Like every1 else here, I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed reading this post Jess! So well written, and you could have almost been reading a page from my life! π Except that I’ve fortunately never really had that problem with people judging me or asking constantly when we were going to have any kids. Phew! Mind you, the fact that my little bit older husband had already had a vasectomy, might have had something to do with that. π
Also on reflection, knowing the emotional situations we/I have gone through over the years, (and still do due to menopause), I’m very glad we never had a change of heart and decided to go with adoption or IVF. Wouldn’t have ended up a very happy life for any of us I don’t think!
Thanks for sharing this very thought provoking and revealing post with us. x
Thank you for sharing your experience, Pam! x
Ms Jess, I salute you π
Brilliant post. Incredibly private. Thank you for sharing it.
What angstΓ’β¬β’s me about this topic is the judgement. That you are, at times, judged for your choice and implored by those around you to justify it. How does that happen in this day and age?! Then, I twist myself up in knots recalling the judgement I have experienced in motherhood, particularly regarding my age (I began a family 10 years younger than the current average age and with that has come some yucky commentary over the years from people known to me as well as strangers – curiously, mostly women).
I look forward to the day that the choices we make regarding our own ovaries are unquestionably respected.
Thanks for opening this topic up xx
Thanks sweetie. And I know what an awesome mum you are, too. It’s funny how other women are often our worst critics for the choices we make with our femininity, isn’t it?
It must be so tiring to explain your choices over and over again – who can blame you for not correcting people when they talk about your “future children”.
I’m in my 20’s and have been getting that question a lot lately. At first I accepted it as a joke or conversation starter but now I’m well and truly sick of hearing it – and I want to have children at some point!
Hehe, thanks Louise! x
I truly admire you Jess for the courage of your conviction.
Thank you Merryl!! xx
Hi Jess,
So very brave of you to write a post about this topic! Although you don’t owe anyone an explanation for any of your life choices, I can see that you (and Nick) have given it much thought. I too am without children. Having married at age 24, I always thought I’d have plenty of time to fulfil all my life’s desires. I left it as late as possible to conceive. Pregnancy terrified me! Discovering I had severe endometriosis at age 36 sort of swayed my decision to remain childless. Both hubby and I had no desire for IVF (and the associated costs/tensions/possible heartache) which might result. That was our choice. Now in our mid 40’s we consider ourselves childfree, not childless. We’re not into self-pity! We have a great life, much freedom, I run 2 mini-businesses from home, AND I have till the end of my life to pursue all my passions! I couldn’t possibly have achieved all that I wanted to in the first 30 or so years of my life. I think women have to be realistic – we’re not superhuman, we can’t always juggle everything, and somewhere along the way, something has to give! I guess I’ve found what suits me and my life.
Didn’t think I’d write so much, but it’s such a great topic!
Thanks Jess π
Hi Stella – thank you so much for sharing your story! So happy to hear that you’re happy with your decision – I think that’s what it all comes down to, doesn’t it?
Fantastic post Jess, I’d been looking forward to this one.
I’m in exactly the same position, 30-something, in a long-term committed relationship, doing well building my own business, and the only thing family can think of to ask me about is when I’ll be having children. (But on top of the baby question, I’m also asked constantly about when I’m getting married, but that’s another topic!).
Like you, I can’t think of any good reasons to have them (for now, and you’re right, having someone to look after you when you’re old is not a good enough reason!), and most mums I know don’t do a good job of selling motherhood to me to be honest. I know they say that you’re more likely to regret the things you didn’t do over the things you do, but it would be a horrible realisation for me to regret having a child because I was worried I might regret it if I didn’t.
With all my friends cooing and clucking over babies, I do sometimes wonder “what’s wrong with me?”, when the closest I come to feeling like that is when I see a puppy. I’m actually reading a book at the moment which talks about “the baby switch” that may one day change everything when hormones kick in and babies are all you can think about, so we’ll see. Actually I’d be curious to know if this has happened with any of your readers who are mothers…?
My biggest fear about remaining childfree is losing the connection with my friends who go on to have children. It’s already happening at this age, so what happens when there’s no one left?
Thank you for the post Jess and sharing your thoughts on quite a sensitive topic.
I think you make a really important point, Tara – friends with kids do kinda seem to disappear off the radar. It’s understandable, but sad for those of us ‘left behind’ so to speak. We’ll just have to form a childfree club and grow older and more fabulous together ;P
I think everyone should be free to make their own decisions & as long as both you & your husband are happy with the one that you’ve both made, that’s fine with me! I have two little girls(almost 5 & almost 3!) & recently miscarried our thrid child & I have to say that before we decided to have kids I was never really a huge fan of them either! Even now, I like my kids you know(most of time!), but I don’t have that clucky thing going on wth other peoples kids! I would love to have two more to complete our family – but my husband(let’s call him the ‘sperm scab’!) isn’t too keen on topping up to 4!
I think it’s great that you shared your story. I think it’s important to share all of our stories as they may help others(that’s why I sared my story about my miscarriage) & with people sharing their stories it helps these subects come out of the ‘taboo closet’. I wish people would stop pushing their version of happiness onto others – I could imagine how annoying it must be for you both getting the, ‘so, when are you having kids?’ question.
Good luck to you both! xx
So sorry to hear about your miscarriage xx So glad to see you’re happy with your kids! And I fully resonated with this – “with people sharing their stories it helps these subects come out of the Γ’β¬Λtaboo closetΓ’β¬β’. I wish people would stop pushing their version of happiness onto others”
“I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them.”
That says it all.
Seriously. It’s a pity more people don’t think it through first.
Exactly, Mel xx
Jess,
I was leaning toward a childfree existence too, until my niece came in the world and then my biological clock started to tick really loudly.
There’s never a moment I regret having had the kids. And yes, there are days when I wish I had of stuck with dogs.
It’s a shame that people feel the need to push their ideas and beliefs on others – be it with regards to children, religion, lifestyle… If we could all take the time to respect one another’s choices in life, the world would be a somewhat better place.
And any time you feel the need to spend time with kids, my two are available. Just give me a yell and I’ll send them to you Express Post ;-P
Cheers,
Tasha
I remember reading your story on your blog, Tash! You do have 2 pretty awesome kids, it has to be said π Can’t wait to catch up with them (and you) again – will have to put Nick on baking/babysitting duty again and go out for coffee ;D
I’m also childfree. I’ve always greatly disliked kids – even when I was a kid myself, I much preferred the company of adults – and I made the conscious decision to be childfree when I was almost 19. I’ve spent the last eight years being told by family and others that I’ll change my mind when I’m older, that it’s different when they’re your own, that I’ll regret my decision one day. The only person who has accepted and supports my choice is my mother.
A lot of my choice is because of my mental health issues. I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder, both of which run in my family. I would never wish either illness on any child, but if I had kids that’s what would happen. It’s bad enough battling them as an adult.
Additionally, I honestly believe I would be a terrible mother. I would probably be hauled up for child neglect because I really wouldn’t care enough about my kids. I have enough trouble caring about myself sometimes without throwing a miniature human being into the equation.
And lastly, there are enough people in this world already. We’re coming up on seven billion people – it’s not going to be sustainable for much longer.
I’m perfectly happy being childfree. I just wish people would accept my decision to be childfree without trying to coerce me into changing my mind.
Aeryn, thank you so much for sharing your story and being so honest – I think the things you speak of are more common than people realise!
When I was 15 (and younger) I decided I didn’t want kids, but a daddy complex led me to do dumb things and winding up pregnant for the third time, I decided to just take responsibility. When my fourth pregnancy came I was severely depressed. I was in a relationship (this time) but financially was in no position to be bringing another child into the world. I’d considered my options and his father wanted him so badly that I gave in, gave birth and gave up custody. I’m still a mother to him, just a long distance one. Definitely not a decision for the meek. 8 years pass. My oldest is very independent and a great companion most days. I’m still his mother and nurture him as such but was finding my freedom and free time to be more and more enjoyable by the day. Then I fall in love with an amazing man who, guess what, wants children and isn’t getting any younger. I’m thinking, well if there’s an optimal environment to have kids it’s this one. Why not? Sigh. I’m writing this lying next to an 8 month old who still won’t sleep through the night, can’t play independently and cries about every little hurt feeling. I’m tired, depressed (don’t get it confused with post partum, I actually have a reason to be depressed) and have no time to myself. I miss my single days and my free time. I miss going to bed whenever and waking up whenever. And I thought I’d never say this because I’ve never been a movie watcher, but I miss watching movies (we always want what we can’t have eh?). The plus side to this is the only child I have where his father is non-participatory is 15 and getting older and my two youngest have fathers that want them more than I do. Do I identify with deadbeat dad’s? Some of them. Mostly just the one’s who were slightly irresponsible about who they were having kids with (eg, not enough love, too early in the relationship, finances not considered, etc). I suppose I’m a rarity: a mother who doesn’t want kids. I suppose that’s what adoption is for. My 15 yo is the only one I never get tinges of regret over or wish I could just walk away and never look back. I sometimes feel bad about that, but mostly I just wonder why I let myself end up where I am.
(sorry for the run on paragraph, I’m on my phone commenting)
Lindsay, I can’t imagine how hard things are for you right now – I wish there was something I could say that would help! x Thank you so much for your deep honesty x
I also think your position isn’t as rare as society makes it out to be. I have a friend who’s mother never wanted kids – she had them ’cause their father did. I also remember reading an amazingly moving post/comment thread on a childfree blog recently – and so many women were lamenting that they would not have their kids if they had their time again. So you’re certainly not alone x
Oh Jess, I am exactly the same. We’re getting bullied a little to get married too as we’ve been together much longer than my OH’s siblings who met their partners, married them and had babies long after I was on the scene. The fact is we probably will get married. Sometime. But it’s not a big thing, and having kids is even lower on the list of priorities. My OH doesn’t like babies and is- I would say- scared of them a bit. He does want kids of his own though at some point and he has said that he will have to find someone else to mother his children since he knows I feel about it!
I know so many stressed parents and so many couples that have relationship problems due to having kids. I don’t want that. However I do want to be a grandma- I’d love to teach them crafty things and then send them back to mum and dad when they get ratty. Sadly I can’t without having kids in the first place.
Also, it drives me nuts when people try and achieve through their offspring as if they’re no longer a human being anymore themselves. I think this is where pushy mums come from. Being a mum is not an occupation. Being a mum is something you do whilst doing something else, same as being a dad means that you can also be an artist, a bank manager, an author, a unicycle rider…. The gender divide still exists here and I feel like shaking some women that don’t have anything else going on in their lives. I’m really pleased that recently a friend of mine who has 3 kids age 6,4 and 1 has decided to go to university. I wish more people could seize the day for themselves and realise their life hasn’t ended.
*deep breath*
Definitely agree with your last paragraph – I saw a lot of ‘people trying to achieve through their kids’ when I was a teacher, and it always made me sad and frustrated when parents tried to mould their kids into what they wanted them to be – rather than letting the child grow into themselves naturally.
Hehe, I wouldn’t mind being a grandma, either – might have to ‘adopt’ some kids when I get old ;D Or at least steal them occasionally (with permission).
What a very brave post. I admire you being brave enough to stand up for your own choices. I have three kids and I totally agree that is is awesome to be a female in a time when we get to make a choice about our family. It wasn’t that long ago that you simply didn’t. I also agree that it is ridiculous that we can not all happily embrace each others choices, wasn’t that the idea behind the whole feminist movement anyway???
Exactly, Nicole! Thanks x
Jess, if I wasn’t sitting down to type this I’d be standing and applauding you and your post on this ‘oohh don’t bring that into the light’ topic.
I love that you own your choice and respect the choices that others make. I really love that you and your partner are on the same page, what could be worse than feeling that you ‘had’ to have kids for your partner – who, if male, 99% of the time goes back to work after a few weeks off and carries a lot less of the load – sorry guys, but it is still true – and I love that you’ve responded with such GRACE to all the comments here.
I am not only child free, but mortgage and relationship free. I live alone (which is so sweet) I am 43 and until a few weeks ago I worked only part time. These things make me quite ‘controversial’ to some…. go figure.
Being deliberate, being thoughtful and then choosing the path less travelled scares the crap out of a lot of people who have done life ‘just because that’s what you do’, and I have been the brunt of the fears of others, just as you have.
I’ll certainly be subscribing to your blog. Wishing you continued happiness and harmony in all you do.
http://founded1967.blogspot.com/
Annette x
Yeah, in my previous relationship I knew he wanted kids.. and that combined with a few other issues that would be problematic in the long term led me to end that relationship. Now he and I are both happily married to the right people! π
Good on you, Annette – we live in a shed on my parent’s property and we’ll build a little cottage one day. Just 2 rooms, and no kitchen or bathroom (they’re down at the house) but we’re so happy. No mortgage for us, either! π xx
My husband & I are also childfree. It’s a decision we both made seperately before we even met (for different reasons). I grew up assuming I would, because that’s what you do. School, job, marriage, family…etc. One day I realised it was a choice, it was like waking up. After being abused as a child (another taboo topic)I couldn’t imagine not worrying for every single moment of every single day about my child if I had one. For me being a Mum would be committing my mind to a prison sentence, the worry would control me. I believe I’d drive myself mad. I won’t mention this topic on my own blog for fear of hurting my family. And for the record, I’m okay otherwise. Had my fair share of ‘you’ll change your mind’ from co-workers. Begging & guilt trips from my Mum. I think she’s finally accepted my decision after my brother gave her a number of grandchildren. I worry what would happen if I had an accident. Probably theraphy & lots of it LOL. I’m very happy, I’m very much in love. We have turtles and that’s our little family. I love my independence and being able to drop everything or do anything at the drop of a hat.
Hi my dear – well, there you go, I didn’t know you were childfree! π “I love my independence and being able to drop everything or do anything at the drop of a hat.” – me too.
Congrats to you, Jess, for your bravery in writing so openly and honestly about your decision. So many of the questions/doubts/judgments presented to you are similar to the ones leveled at me about having a second child.
My husband and I have one child, which was the plan. But as 40 approaches, and I deal with the recent passing of my brother, and I listen to queries/admonishments/pleads to give my son a sibling, I have to admit it I feel myself wavering with doubt. Even though our life works well with one child it from a financial/house size/energy level/’throw THE kid in the car and go’ standpoint. Yes, starting my business takes a backseat to my son at the moment, but I’m okay with that because he starts school next year and my time to work will greatly expand. Oh, and my son? TOTALLY not interested in a sibling/baby/live-in playmate, etc!
Gee, how many more signs/reasons do you suppose I need to be reminded that our original decision is, in fact, the best one for us?
So kudos, for being strong enough to stand by your decision. π
π Can I just tell you… I’m an only child, and love it to bits! Plus, you never miss what you never had. People always (foolishly) respond with “don’t you miss having brothers/sisters?” when I tell them I’m an only, to which I give the dumbfounded reply, “um, no, because I have no idea what having them would be like!”
;D I think it depends on your temperament – I’m an introvert, very happy to hang out by myself, and read etc. So if your boy is like that, don’t worry one little bit! x
Hi Jess,
Thank you so much for writing this and putting it out there. This is a subject that’s been playing on my mind a lot recently and your words have truly helped me come to a happy decision (for right now in my life, at least!) My OH of 5 years has always said he doesn’t want children. In the first few years I thought that this would end up being a problem as surely I was going to want children when I got a bit older… Well, I don’t! The instinct/desire/need has never happened and all the logical reasons you give chime perfectly with me. I’m not a big fan of kids and just do not see one fitting into our lives. Becoming an aunt, or friends having kids is great, but I’m very happy to hand them back. I get much more emotional at the thought of one day having a garden big enough for a dog! You’ve really helped me put paid to so many confusing thoughts, and to realise that it’s OK for me to make this decision, and that it is entirely MY decision to make π Selfish, maybe… But like you I love my business and have big plans for my career and that is what gets me fired up, not a baby.
Thanks again x
Stephanie – oh, your comment is EXACTLY why I wanted to put this out there! Thank you for letting me know that it helped you xx
This post made me smile. Both because I’m so glad that we are living in a time where we have access to (mostly) reliable birth control – and because I would have said exactly this at 30. I was surprised to find myself in a different place at 35!
There’s so much judgement surrounding this issue. I find it humorous, and can’t help but think that it’s just a biological pattern we haven’t grown out of, or just others seeking validation of their own choices.
Be happy ~
Things will definitely get more difficult if I ever have that sudden “I need kids now” feeling. I hope I don’t for my marriage’s sake π And I very much agree with your thought on validation.
I am 61 y o; I never wanted to reproduce (didn’t like children when I was one, find the whole gestation/birth thing horrific).
Got pregnant at 41 and aborted.
Do you mind if I ask, Claudia (and please feel free not to answer) but was that decision at all difficult for you? Or were you sure? Thanks x
Decision was not at all difficult, no more than having a root canal.
Thanks Claudia π
a very thoughtful and lovely post… the thing i can’t understand is the fact that people that choose to be childfree have to justify it to others… we have children but most of our friends are childfree which adds a different dynamic as we are the ones with a different family lifestyle to most of the people we associate with (and now we are all in our 40’s). Sometimes i envy their freedom and perhaps that is what motivates people that have children to critisize those that don’t…
Lisa, I have a sneaking suspicion that you might be on to something there, at least for some people…