{image from The Sweetest Occasion via Pinterest}
Note – I’ve been sitting on this post for a while, and decided the time had come to share it.
I got thinking about this topic on a morning walk recently, and decided that I needed to write a blog post about it. This decision is a big part of Nick and my life and lifestyle, so I feel it’s something I need to address. Both to ‘get it out of the way’ and explain this aspect of our life, and also because I think it’s an important topic in general.
I’m a bit trepidatious about this, to be frank – this is a topic that can get people a bit riled up. I’m hoping that we can keep the discussion positive and thoughtful… we shall see.
Nick and I are childfree. That is, we have made the deliberate choice to not have children.
I believe that this topic is too often glossed over or ignored in our society – but I also believe that it’s an important one to discuss.
Today I wanted to let you in on our decision, in the hopes that it might help some people who choose to have children understand those of us who don’t a little better!
Why we don’t talk about it
Those of us who are childfree (we prefer that term to ‘childless’ – because childless usually implies that you want kids but can’t have them, and I am not speaking for those people today) often keep our mouths shut about our decision. You would think that the decision to not have children would be happily embraced these days along with every other lifestyle choice.
However, (and this is, I believe, especially true for women) there is still a pervasive sense in our society that if you are a person who doesn’t want children – or even worse, doesn’t really like children – that there is something just a little bit wrong with you.
(On a personal note – I’m one of those women who is not interested in babies, I never have been. And as for children – in my mind they are just little people. I don’t like them more or less than big people, but my like of them is dependent on the same things that make me like a grown-up. The fact that little kids are often loud and self-absorbed means I generally like little kids less than older ones.)
We hear the endless pronouncements that ‘you’ll change your mind when you’re older/when you hit your 30s’, that having kids is ‘the best thing I’ve ever done!’, that  ‘it’s different when they’re yours’ or ‘you’d make wonderful parents’. Our parents tell us that they can’t wait to have grandchildren.
You know, we might be great parents. And it probably is different when they’re yours. And of course our parents would like grandkids. But those are not reasons to have a child.
In short, pretty much everyone around us assumes that we’re going through a phase and that we’ll change our minds.
So, we decide it’s easier to nod and smile whenever someone makes a comment about our future children, because, frankly, we’re just not up for another argument.
I’m speaking in generalisations here, but those of you reading this who are also childfree will no doubt be nodding your head in recognition of some of my scenarios.
My plea to those of you who choose to have kids is this – please believe us when we say we don’t want them, and please don’t try to change our minds. We’re happy for and respect you in your choice, and we just ask the same in return.
Because yes, it’s true – life changes, we change, and maybe one day we will decide that the time is right to bring a child of our own into the world. But that time is not now. I’m a big believer that there is no constant but change, however, that doesn’t make our decision not to have children right now any less true or valid.
Being childfree is increasingly common, which is why I think the decision needs to be understood. In fact, all of my closest offline friends are childfree. In one instance, they are childless, due to unfortunate circumstance, but in all the other cases, it is through choice. And all of these people are in their 30’s or older, so the chances that they’ll change their mind is pretty slim.
Why we don’t want them
I think this is a very personal decision, so I’m just going to discuss why I don’t want kids. (Just a note – Nick and I are on the same page with this, but I’m going to focus on my own reasons here, not his.)
For me, the decision to not have children is both an instinctual and logical one.
I have never felt ‘clucky’. I’ve never felt an emotional desire to have a child. Sure, occasionally I’ll see a particularly cute kid, and I’ll think ‘hmm, maybe it would be nice’. However, after no more than 5 minutes with pretty much any kid under the age of 6, that nascent feeling quickly goes out the window and I breathe an inner sigh of relief that I get to go home without one!
Now, for the logic. If we go from the premise that I don’t feel a desire to have kids, the logical arguments simply back up and reinforce my decision. Some of the reasons are:
- We love our lifestyle. I can run my business how I want, without the stress of ‘providing’ for a child. Nick is free to do what he wants with his life. We don’t have a mortgage, because we don’t need more than these two rooms for us to be happy. We sleep in. We eat when and what we want. We can travel where and when we want. We spend our days how we choose. In short – we only have to consider each other (and our parents and friends, to a lesser extent) in our life decisions.
- I have been a teacher – yep! And – by and large – I enjoy teaching kids! But I also enjoy that I get to give them back at the end of the day. I have literally had a parent say to me ‘don’t have kids, get dogs‘. And yeah, she was kinda joking. Kinda. I have seen the stress, tiredness, and pain that so many parents live with. Especially when they have a child with some sort of behavioural problem or disability. (I have also seen the joy and pride parents feel for their kids, of course). However, I don’t want to be a tired person who has to put my own desires and needs down the ladder to care for someone else. That does make me selfish, yes, and I don’t deny that. But it also leaves me free to contribute to the world via my work, in a way I am passionate about.
- Disability. My ex-partner was a Special Ed teacher. Again, I saw first-hand the struggle that filled the lives of parents with severely disabled kids. I am too scared of that possibility. That is, my fear of that happening to me far outweighs the joy I perceive in having a healthy child.
- Some people argue that having children is a vital legacy. I think of my grandmother’s recent funeral – we, her descendants, were all there, and we mourned her passing greatly. And sure, when I think of being old, without family, it saddens me. But again. This is not a reason to have children. Because you never know what’s going to happen. There is no guarantee that  you will have children who will outlive you, stick around when they grow up, have kids of their own… etc
- On the topic of legacy, and those we remember in history – we don’t remember them because they had kids (with the exception, perhaps, of the Virgin Mary, but that’s a WHOLE other blog post!). We remember them for the work they did in the world. The books they wrote, the discoveries they made. That is the kind of legacy I’d like to leave behind me. And by not having kids, I give myself many more years of life devoted to creating a legacy of this sort (gee, that kinda makes me nervous – heavy expectation on myself there!).
- We have a history of pretty horrific post-natal-depression in my maternal family. Sure, if I know it’s likely, I can be prepared – but that won’t stop it from happening to me. It’s something I’d much prefer to avoid.
This is obviously not an exhaustive list. But I hope it gives a little more insight into my decision.
Now, for some FAQ’s!
Why did you get married if you don’t want kids?
Wow, okay, I really dislike this question, but unfortunately, it does actually get asked. We got married because we love each other, and wanted to commit ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. We aren’t religious people – we think marriage should be available to any two people who want to bond themselves together in love.
Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?
The same people who take care of most old folk – nursing home staff. We just won’t have kids/grandkids visiting. Of course, my goal is to be a fit, active and mentally acute person till the day I die, but of course, we can’t see what the future holds.
Don’t you want a family of your own?
I have one. Nick and I – and our kitty (soon to be kitties if I get my way – mwaahaaa) – are a very happy family. I’m also lucky to live right next to my parents. I also have a very large extended family with squillions of cousins. I’m not wanting for relatives!
Won’t you regret your decision one day?
Maybe. But it will only be an occasional fleeting thought of what might have been. Life is full of ‘what might have been’s’. What might my life have been like if I’d married my ex-partner of 8 years instead of Nick? What if I’d chosen to pursue a career in science like I always planned when I was younger? Life is full of what-ifs, this will just be another one of them. I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
Wow. That certainly turned into an epic, didn’t it? I guess I had a lot more to say on the topic than I expected.
I hope I managed to make my thought processes clear, and I’m very happy to answer any questions you might have in the comments!
One final note. I feel very privileged to be born a woman in a time and place that allows me to not only make this decision, but to have the freedom and means to discuss it. I have lived a blessed life, and my aim is to be a productive, happy, and inspiring member of society. I am so very, very lucky to have the freedom I do.
I’d also love to hear from you as to why you decided to have kids/remain childfree, if you’re happy to share!
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It never ceases to amaze me how quick people (in a general sense) can be to judge others about the choices they make – choices that have no bearing on the lives of the people doing the judging. It boggles my mind even more that some people think it’s okay to tell others what they’re doing ‘wrong’ in the way they choose to lead their lives.
My situation is slightly different in that I am ‘childless’ and the comments I get from friends, family and strangers are more about what I should be doing to conceive or, my personal favourite, what I’m doing wrong that’s preventing my husband and I from having children.
What we have in common (and I think you’ve done a brilliant job with this post) is that we are each willing to tell our story. To my mind, it’s not about defending ourselves (at least, not solely about that) but about educating and sharing. It’s about communicating and understanding.
I’ve struggled for a number of years with the pain and disappointment of not having a successful pregnancy. It wasn’t until I started talking and writing about it openly that I began to work through that and find a strength that keeps me going. I’ve had so many people – friends, family and strangers – thank me for being open, and share their own stories with me. Sometimes we just have to be a little brave, not just for ourselves, but for others who don’t yet have the courage to speak up.
I think you’ve done something brave with this post and I hope that others who have made the choice to be childfree can take a little of that bravery for their own lives, if they need it.
Thank you so much, Carolyn.
I absolutely agree and resonate with this – “What we have in common (and I think you’ve done a brilliant job with this post) is that we are each willing to tell our story. To my mind, it’s not about defending ourselves (at least, not solely about that) but about educating and sharing. It’s about communicating and understanding.” Exactly 🙂
Hi! I stumbled across your blog and found this post. I had to comment. Your post explains my own views almost perfectly. It is refreshing to know there are other people out there that simply don’t want children.
There is one point I do have to disagree with you on, which is saying you are being selfish. Being selfish (in my opinion) would be to have the child and still want to put yourself first. To be selfish is to put yourself first without consideration of others, but if there are no others, I think you are being unfair to put that (generally negatively viewed) label on yourself.
I could go on about this topic for ages, but just wanted to say thank you for putting this out there and letting us read it 🙂
Hi Jessica! You make a good point re selfishness. I believe it would be much more selfish for me to have a child out of fear and then not me the mother they deserve.
I stumbled upon your blog, so I hope you don’t mind the intrusion, but this post really hits home for me. In addition, I really REALLY wish people would stop telling young women that they’ll change their minds about not wanting children. We need to tell young women that it is perfectly okay to be childfree and/or single forever.
I realized at 15 that I didn’t want children, but I honest-to-god assumed I’d change my mind after I matured, got married, and settled down because everyone told me I would. They constantly told me how they once thought the same thing, and now they have X number of amazing children. Everyone in my family and social circle married young and was pregnant within a year of the wedding – I honestly thought it was just a part of nesting.
My husband and I married at age 28 after ten years of dating and discussion of how we’d raise our children – two months later I finally admitted to myself that I really didn’t want children, and it wasn’t some phase. He still wants children someday, and I every day very much and very consciously do *not*. The thought of pregnancy and childbirth disturbs me, and I think our life is amazing just as it is for the very reasons you’ve previously mentioned.
We’re 31 now, and I wait in fear for the day that will come when we’ll have to make a tough decision, and one or both of us is going to be extremely disappointed. Is part of this on me? Sure – maybe I should have “known” myself better when we married. But when *everyone* around you – family, friends, coworkers, media – tells you (not asks) that you’re going to have children someday, you believe it until push comes to shove and you’re faced with the actual decision itself.
In short, I think we do our young women a great disservice when we inform them smugly that they’ll one day change their minds about not wanting children. It’s drilled into our heads at a young age, and we believe it. If a seven year old informs you that she doesn’t like or want kids ever, believe her. Respect her. Tell her that’s okay. If she someday changes her mind, that’s her business, not ours.
Sorry to go on for so long, but thank you for posting this and telling your story. I wish more of us felt comfortable enough to do so…or maybe I just wish we didn’t have to.
Oh Sarah, thank you so much for your moving comment. I really, really hope you find a solution that you can both be happy with, thought I know it might be hard.
“If a seven year old informs you that she doesn’t like or want kids ever, believe her. Respect her. Tell her that’s okay. If she someday changes her mind, that’s her business, not ours.” – yes, absolutely!
And I wish we didn’t have to, either…
I’ve taken some time after reading this post, because it definitely does open up a much needed topic of conversation. Thank you, Jess, for giving women the opportunity to openly talk about this subject!
I’m a mix of both childfree and childless. After suffering from unmanageable pain from endometriosis & other health problems at a young age, I finally was given the option of having a hysterectomy at the age of 28. At this point, I had already given up the idea of having kids so the decision wasn’t that difficult. I was more interested in not being in pain any more. I never once regretted the decision, either for the hysterectomy or for saying no to taking extreme measures to have eggs taken out of my ovaries & to keep on hand in case I wanted to get pregnant via in vitro prior to having the hysterectomy.
I always knew I wasn’t going to have children of my own; I never really had the Want. I had an early pregnancy, which caused serious health issues and subsequently lost the child. I mourn that baby still, but wouldn’t change a thing in the life that I have had.
I am grateful that I never had children. Yes, grateful! I have been given the opportunity to give extra love elsewhere in my life, and the chance to “give birth” in other ways. I have no sense of loss or a lack of feeling “womanly” with the choice to not have children. I like my freedom and my quiet life. I love the children I’ve had the chance to give guidance to, but at the same token I love that they get returned to their parents at the end of the day.
It’s such a taboo, the childfree/childless lifestyle. It’s frowned upon. It’s judged. Well, we do live in a world of judgement – no getting around that one! But, I do wish girls weren’t raised with the unsubtle message that their future is destined with marriage & children. There are so many more options to Life than that! Not that I’m anti-marriage or anti-children – I just wish it wasn’t the be-all-and-end-all.
I’m all kinds of odd in my life choice of being single & childless. Oh, it may change one day – it’s never too late for change, or marriage, or even having children enter a person’s life! – but, at almost 40, I’m so wonderfully content with how things have worked out. That’s all a girl like me could ever want. 🙂
Caren, you are an inspiration, truly! A shining example of how happiness and vivaciousness are a joy and a choice, and I’m so glad you shared your story! xxx
I think it’s important not to apologise for being child-free. I’m 39 and I never ‘changed my mind’ like people said I would. I’ve never fancied having children (My clock never ticked, it looks stressful and hard work, and I find children quite boring!) so I didn’t. I can’t actually think of a single reason why anyone would want to have them.
I remember the first time that someone said I was selfish for not wanting children; I was pretty shocked that anyone would care so much when I think having lots of children can be seen as selfish if anything. A common view is that a woman isn’t a true woman unless she wants to be someone’s mum!
If someone isn’t sure if they want children or not then they shouldn’t have them. A couple of my parent friends have told me in confidence that, although they love their children, their lives aren’t their own any more and they sometimes wish they hadn’t had them. Unfortunately you can’t take them back and swap them for a puppy!
People make choices based on different reasons and if, like myself, you’ve decided that parenthood isn’t for you then never feel like you have to apologise. It doesn’t sound like anything is missing from your life.
“A common view is that a woman isn’t a true woman unless she wants to be someone’s mum!” – I think this is the core belief in our culture that needs to be changed! Thanks so much, Joanne xx
Joanne, I totally respect your choice of being child free, but to say “I can’t actually think of a single reason why anyone would want to have them” was a bit much for me not to commit on… I have two beautiful babies and several friends who are child free, but none of them have the attitude that this statement reflects. You seem to have a very strong dislike for children. I’m sure you’d like to be respected by everyone for choosing to be child free. You should respect those who chose to have children and also respect their children. I certainly hope you are not as openly abrasive when children are in your company. I’m sure you realize that, even tho you seem to hate them, children are very impressionable and will be forever impacted by your attitude even if you are talking about them and not to them in their presence.
My husband and I also can’t think of one reason why anyone would want children. Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone has one everyone else thinks the other’s stink. I love sleeping in, having the freedom to travel, not having to pay a baby sitter, not spending money towards diapers, baby clothes, and all the other expenses children rack up over the years. I like not having to go to parent teacher conferences, having to force anyone to do homework, not having to discipline, not having to wake up in the middle of the night because of nightmares/sick, not having to clean more, not having to trip over toys, not having to sit and watch boring kiddie movies, not pushing a swing over and over and over, I can go on and on! Yep, still can’t think of one positive reason to have a child.
Gee Katrina.. assume much? You do not know Joanne and yet you divine from her words that she is abrasive toward children? THEN you want her respect for you and your children? Thank you for tarnishing thoughtful and honest replies like Joannes with your matriarchal bile. You have given everyone here a perfect example of the type of festering tripe that this wonderful blog entry seeks to avoid. Bravo /sarcasm
Well, Joscelin, I’m not assuming anything. My comment is based on the tone of the reply. I don’t care if you, Joanne, Jennifer and any and everybody else on this delightful planet choose to be child free. That’s your business. I didn’t say that Joanne is abrasive toward children I simply suggested that if she is she shouldn’t be. However; if she does choose to be that is still her business. It’s up to the parent of the child(ren) how they respond. I don’t think your choice or anyone else’s choice of being child free stinks. Again, that’s your choice and your business just like me having children is my choice. People as a whole need to respect each other. Child free people, gay people, parents, etc. I absolute HATE it when child free people make rude and hateful comments to my 16 month old and 3 year old. They are very impressionable and I can’t believe the hatefulness of some people especially toward children. I can’t even go to Target without a rude comment toward me or my priceless children by people who choose to be child free. I am very blessed to have toddlers who are well behaved and I plan our outings around nap times and meals so that the best is expected from them. It was not and is not my intention to be hateful to anyone as that would be disrespectful. My reply to Joanne has not tarnished anything. It is your choice to perceive and believe whatever you would like. It has brought out the best in you! I agree ;this is a wonderful blog entry. I wish you the best in all your endeavors! A very proud mommy, Katrina! 🙂
Thank you for this post, and not apologizing for your choices! My husband and I are going through the same thing. We’re in our very early 30’s, but have been together 10 years and married for 7. We have no children, and as of right now, we’re not sure if we ever will. We’re really happy with our lifestyle, and we hear a lot of crap about it. We travel quite a bit and are constantly hearing, “wow, you’d better do it now cause once you have kids, you won’t be able to anymore.” and “oh, you guys took a nap today, you need some kids!” The worst are the selfish comments and my husband was even told once that he wasn’t a man if he didn’t have kids! Really!? How obnoxious!
I always thought that I would desperately want kids when I got older, but I don’t. Though I will admit to the occasional twinge to reproduce when I see an adorable baby, I’m certainly not ready now, and maybe never will be!
Again, I’m so glad you wrote this, coming from a small town where not having kids at a young age (like 18-21) is weird, and choosing to not have kids is practically unheard of, knowing there are people out there like us (even though you’re on the other side of the world!), is comforting!
Heather – those comments can be so frustrating, can’t they? An earlier commentator stated that she thought those sorts of comments were often motivated by envy – people who can’t do what you’re doing due to their choices in life… but who wish they could!
I stumbled on this post by chance. The original post and the comments so far below have most of what I would have wanted to say myself on this subject – props to all involved. But I would like to add a couple of things.
I, and my husband, are childfree by choice. Here are a couple of the more ludicrous FAQs that we have had.
Now what the hell exactly does THAT mean? Could it be classed as: flattering (um, probably not), classist (quite likely), racist (maybe – hope not though), irrelevent (definitely).
Good god what if we don’t! They don’t come with a moneyback guarantee and furthermore I simply cannot imagine a more ridiculous reason for having a kid. It’s grotesquely irresponsible and disrespectful to the child to boot.
I am not anti-kid and I don’t dislike children (though many people assume that I do) but I would love to see a society where having or not having children was a thoughtful process. Have them because you want them, if you have decided that it’s right for YOU. Not because everyone else does or because you think it’s abnormal not to do so. I do firmly believe that the worst thing a child can be is unwanted.
Thanks for the great post.
Tara – yep, I’ve had those questions,too 🙂
And big ditto to this: “Have them because you want them, if you have decided that it’s right for YOU. Not because everyone else does or because you think it’s abnormal not to do so. I do firmly believe that the worst thing a child can be is unwanted.”
Bravo, Jess. I have zip, zero maternal instinct and have never wanted children either. Fortunately, my man, due to a choice in a previous relationship, is unable to father children. We’re both perfectly happy with only the sound of little cat feet in our house.
I’m an only child of only children though so sometimes I think about whether there’s any point in saving mementos – there’s no one to give them to. But that certainly isn’t reason to have a child. More likely, it’s a reason to open a vintage shop!
“the sound of little cat feet in our house.” – I can relate to that!
I’m an only child, too – and my husband has only one brother, who is yet to have kids, and lives in Canada, anyways. So I wonder about that, too. I know a few heirlooms will go to my cousin’s kids, but beyond that?
Kudos to you and your man for thinking through such a big decision, and for carefully working through your choice to be child-free. I come from a extended family of breeders and I stick out like a sore thumb as I don’t come to family gatherings with a trail of little ones behind me. Most of my cousins have lots of children, and they had them at a very young age. I used to get constant questions and jokes and strange looks, but thankfully – now that the husband and I have been married for a few years and we still haven’t produced any offspring of our own – the questions have died down, I’m pretty sure people have ‘given up’ on me and my womb!
My situation is a little different to yours – I would actually really love to have a child, or maybe two. But my husband came with a ready made family, so I have two wonderful step-sons instead. My husband made it clear that he did not want to have any more children, so I knew that choosing to be with him meant no children for me. And I take responsibility for that choice (because it was a choice) by being positive about the children I do have in my life, and not dwelling on ‘what might have been’. I love my husband more than I can say, and I know it was the right thing to do (although having the no grand children conversation with my Mum was pretty tough!).
I also have a friend that has a story a little bit similar to Caren. She desperately wants children, but probably won’t be able to have any and this makes her very, very sad. I imagine if nosy people started prying into her whys and why nots it would be a very difficult thing for her to handle.
I guess what I’m saying is that every situation is different. There are so many factors at play, some which we have control over and some which we really don’t. To have children or not is such a personal decision – one that should be treated by others with respect, and a degree of caution (for want of a better word). None of us know enough information about anyone else to be able pass judgement.
Thanks for this post, it’s brave to put yourself out there and it’s been really fascinating reading through all the comments x
I totally agree, sweet – and it’s so nice to see someone who is a step-mum come forward on this. One of my favourite cousins is also personally childfree, but married a guy with 2 kids from previous relationships. So she’s been a step-mum for over 10 years now, and happy to not have any more children.
I want to thank you for your post. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts on my husband and my choice. I once read a post that talked about how many times when you enter a room without being a mother..many women don’t know how to react to you. If you’re a mom, you instantly have something they can connect with. I have felt that a few times but in general I’m happy with my choice. My belief is that you can be happy with kids or without as long as it was a fully conscience choice. Mine is a fully conscience choice. My husband and I can work for others less and buy us time to work on our own creative projects/ businesses. With kids our lives would have less flexibility and right now art,lifestyle, and our relationship is important to us.
Again..thank you from one happy childfree women to another.
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Michelle – that’s a great point! When you’re in your 30s and beyond, people just assume you have kids – especially if they can see a wedding ring on your finger.
There have been times in my life where I’ve felt a bit ‘left out’ of things because I’m not a mum – but that’s okay 🙂 Thankfully, I have a wonderful network of friends who are childfree, which means we have the shared experience (and the freedom) to hang out together 🙂
I think your post is thoughtful and intelligent. I wish people would put as much thought into having children as you have for not having children. I have seen firsthand what happens when people have children not fully understanding the commitment and it’s sad. It’s not fair to do to children either. I respect your decision!
Thank you so much, Heidi! And yes – as a former teacher, I’ve seen some of the ‘fallout’ from that,too.
Good for you!
I respect and admire you for knowing what suits you both and for not conforming to societies expectations.
A few years ago I started at a new job, I was 28-29 at the time. One of my colleagues was in her late 40s (at a guess) and had 3 children. In the usual round of exchanging life stories I got the question about partner/kids and I said (rather off the cuff but in full truth) that I loved kids but I don’t want any of my own. To which this woman replied “I think people who don’t want kids are extremely selfish people.” I was shocked. Selfish? I actually laughed thinking she was joking but alas she was serious. I don’t remember what I said back but I often think of that comment and have discussed it with friends, family etc. Yes, I admit many of my reasons are ‘lifestyle’ choices but I also truly believe that it would indeed be extremely “selfish” of me to have a kid knowing full well that I am not at the core of my being a “motherly type”. Ie I don’t know if I could live a life the way I think I would need to to raise a child in a manner I think is appropriate, so instead I choose to leave it to those better qualified.
I too have many people tell me “you’ll change your mind” and “when you have a kid you just ‘know’ what to do” and “you just adapt and the benefits far outweigh the negatives” and my favourite “you’ll never know the love of a child, it’s so special” Well you know what? Maybe everyone is right but me choosing not to get pregnant and have a child isn’t selfish- I’m not depriving anyone else of their rights and I’m not harming anyone. Everyday everyone makes choices that result in some kind of lost opportunity- whether it be picking one job over another or choosing to live in a city or in the country. Most everything we do has advantages and disadvantages and they’re not the same for everyone.
So while I love kids (I find them amusing and I have an emotional response to them-just not a maternal one) and I respect those who choose to devote their lives in some way to raising them, I also respect those who know themselves well enough to know that having kids isn’t for them. The last thing anyone should want is people having kids for the wrong reason because frankly raising a kid is a damn important job and if your heart’s not in it then it most certainly would be wrong to do it anyway.
This is an interesting one for me. I am 36 and married with two kids under 5 that I couldn’t love more. I’m so enamoured I’m heading shortly towards number three. I still have my ‘OMG, this is shit’ moments, but basically would never put them back for anything. I also work part time in an extremely fulfilling professional career. My best friend from Uni has the same career and works in the same dept. She is in a commited relationship and has, over the last few years, gone from thinking she probably wants kids one day to realising she definitely doesn’t. We have had many many conversations hashing over the pros and cons, discussing her fears, motivations etc (all at her initiation, I feel I have to add!) Her list of reasons to not have children reads very similarly to yours! However, her partner has told her that whilst he doesn’t want kids right now, he does want them some day. Her mother is desperate for a grandchild. She feels that if she were to have a child it would be entirely due to a sense of obligation. She genuinely doesn’t want them. I want to say that in contrast to some opinion expressed in this thread, I do not judge my friend for not wanting kids. I don’t try to convince her with all the arguments mentioned here. I defintitely do not think she is selfish. She is simply well-considered and thoughtful in making her life decisions. I haven’t tried to convince her she may regret her decision – how would I possibly know what she is going to feel in the future? What does make me feel a little sad is the fact that I don’t want my wonderful friend, who lives her life to the full and embraces every new experience to not ever feel the indescribable joy my children bring me (gushing, I know). It’s not about judging her, envying her ‘free life’ or projecting my insecurities on to her. It’s about not wanting someone I love to miss out on what I feel is such a profound life experience (disclaimer: I still do my fair share of whingeing about tiredness, lack of free time, drudgery etc) However, I also accept that if she doesn’t want children, maybe she would never feel the joy that I feel, so I would never push it on to her. But that still makes me sad. And it’s defintely true, NO child is like your own. Not your nieces and nephews, no-one. (I still don’t really like other people’s kids, but having my own has just made me more tolerant of them.) My friend keeps struggling with this issue – I think it comes down to fear of missing out on an experience she sees her friends getting joy from, vs the very real truth that she just doesn’t want them. I’m not sure how this story will end. 🙂
I totally understand people who choose not to have kids. The world is over populated anyway. But there is only one BUT for me. I am thankful that I exist. My partner (who doesn’t want to have kids- yet) is doing great things to the world and it would be sad if he would not exist. But obviously he can exist only because of the choice of his mother and father. He is what he is only because of these two people. So I feel sad if I (or someone else) will take away a possibility to have one great person in this world. Maybe one who will help millions of others? I am sure that your child would be grateful that you had her/him. This is my BUT that I can’t ignore….
I know this is half a yar later, but I’ve got to say, this argument can only lead to a world full of Duggers (more power to them — they can have as many as they want; they pay their own bills…). Where does that logic stop? Is that *first* child the one that’s going to change the world? The second? Third? Fourth…? By this logic, one should not stop having children until you one have them no more, or she’ll miss out on so many possibilities! Conversly, maybe that next child is the next Hitler or Jeffery Dommer. These future people do not exist until they are made to be. There is not a line of pre-planned people with pre-planned destinies ready to pop out who then go “poof”! when we don’t decide to have them. When a person decides to have a child, that child is just a child that a person does their best to raise, who grows up to be something formed by their genes and environment and many other factors—who may or may not do great things. That plan is not laid out only to be erased by a decision not to have children. If you believe in fate, then if a person decided not to have a child, then that amazing child was never in the stars from the beginning—otherwise, that child would miraculously come to be despite her decision. If you *don’t* believe in fate, then if a person decided not to have a child, then that amazing child never existed, in any form, concept or potential.
I just came across your blog and after reading this post I can already tell that I think you’re an awesome person.
I never wanted any children, battled with endometriosis and pain for many young years, had surgeries, and basically thought I never would have kids. I was fine with that. I had a really awful mother, and parts of me feared I would be the same. Later I got married, and out of nowhere, became pregnant. I panicked, I cried, I debated abortion… but I miscarried. I thought it was for the best. Fast forward to now, I somehow managed to have 4, yes FOUR, children. I love them. But I will be the first person to tell you that for me it is, was, and will always be a struggle for me to be the kind of person who puts her kids before herself. I want it all. I want to run my own business and I want to sleep in. And sometimes I get a bit pissy that I HAVE to do things for them first. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but we’re working with honesty here right? So I do the best I can. I also want to share an example of being dishonest about your child bearing feelings and how it affected my best friend. She got married at 24. She sort of didn’t want kids. But was unsure. Her husband DID want kids. They avoided the subject successfully for about 5 years. She agreed to try and get pregnant. She was miserable every time the test was negative, and would confide in me that she thought she should just accept being ‘childless’. With each child I had, she got a little distant. She would tell me how I had too many or how it was too hard on my body. (I had some difficulties) She would try to convince her husband that it would be better just to not have any so that they could travel and be free. He was not happy. She was not happy. And after five years of trying and not trying, she finally admitted that she never wanted any, and that she had hoped she could change his mind. He admitted that he hoped he could convince her to truly want a family. They recently divorced. They had a marriage built on a lie. I applaud you for being honest and sharing how you feel about having and not having kids. We are all free to choose how we want to use the years we have been given. I celebrate our differences. I have childfree friends, and with child friends. I love them all.
Thank you for your post. I am 28 and married so of course I am constantly getting asked the same children questions.
I have recently changed tactics and have found that telling other women that “I just don’t think I can see myself as being someone’s mother†works a lot better than telling them I don’t like kids. It can be hard to explain and I have found mothers can relate to me better when I appeal to their sense of self, instead of admitting I am “different†to them.
I am so unsure about having children that I don’t know if I will ever be able to want them. The thought of being referred to as someone’s mum instead of myself disturbs me, to conform to what
society expects of me would mean I lose my identity and I don’t want to give up who I am.
I thank Facebook for giving me insight into the life of mothers, and making my decision to not have children a whole lot easier. Reading updates about the colour of things coming out of other people’s infants is just unbearable. For now and as far into the future as I can see, the answer is no. I’d probably make a great mother but it is my body and my life, therefore it is my choice.
In saying all that I know procreation is natural and I am not ruling it out all together, one day my husband and I may wake up to find a baby shaped hole in our lives, but then again we may not. I could change my mind next week, next year, or never, but in the meantime I do not need the looks of pity from mothers who think I am some kind of misfit for not wanting to be like them, this is not high school this is real life.
Thank you so much for posting this! Why do people INSIST on pushing the issue of when/where/how/what/who about babies and kids? My hubby and I DO want children, we were just late bloomers in general, found each other later in life, got married at 30 and now we are just hitting 35 people are like- you STILL want kids? I’m like WTH? Nevermind all the $#@$% I got from my horribly intrusive boundary pole vaulting inlaws for not popping out a spawn immediately in 9 mos for their grandparenting pleasure. The very people that waited 5 years before they had my husband! I respect others people decisions- it’s personal. I have more friends without kids then with and the ones without kids for whatever choice are better about it then the ones with IMO. I never hint or imply to my childfree/childless friends whats up with no kiddos – are you planning to- Having fun trying/practicing..etc? (I hate that the most) Yet-I find we are subjected to it- because we were waiting until we were ready to start a family we are freaks of nature. How RUDE is it to force society’s view of “normal” on people? I feel it’s a different situation for every couple. I’ve learned to let it go- but posts like yours (I mean this in a good way) trigger all the crap we go through as a couple sans kiddos. But it also reminds me and reaffirms it’s what was best for my hubby and me. 🙂 If for some reason we do end up being childless-for reasons out of our control- so be it. 🙂
People need to show compassion in this area as the reality is none of us deeply know what it is to walk in another persons shoes. If you have made the decision good for you – I hope it works for you. I do wish my life was different – but one day I realised that living in limbo was not for me and in order to make the best life possible I needed to turn the page, change the record, start a new chapter. It doesn’t mean that the grief has gone – that comes and goes and it doesn’t change the fact that I still believe that I should be a mother. The fact is I know that I would and have been a great mum yet we do not have a child to call our own. I thank god everyday for the wonderful man that I have to share my life with and look forward to enjoying our life as it unfolds. What I don’t need is to be counselled by onlookers about what I should have or could have done differently. When you ask me if I have children and I say “no”, just move on with the conversation, that would be the most decent thing to do.
I totally understand why it took you some time to decide to share this post publicly. People do seem to think there’s something WRONG with a woman who doesn’t want children, or, truth be told, a woman without children for any reason. In part, that’s why I started my blog, TheNotMom.com for every woman who doesn’t have kids, by choice or by chance. I hope that it becomes a resource and a community for women like you, who chose a childfree life, and women like me, who wish things had turned out differently. Thank you for your post because the Internet, much like real life, can be a very mom-centered place.
I’m 36, married and very happily child free, I’m write a little more once I get home from work 🙂
I stumbled upon your blog, which I love by the way, and noticed this entry. I am a college student taking a Family Communication class this semester. We have recently been discussing childless and childfree families. My Aunt and Uncle have created a childless family with their dog and have lived happily together for many years. I greatly admire their family, and is has never EVER crossed my mind to question their family. After taking this class and reading your blog I am absolutely appalled by the things people will say about other people’s families. I love that you are sticking up for your family and what makes YOU happy.
Hi Jess, I have just been ‘catching up’ a little as we have been away in Perth to visit our youngest son and his seriously cute 4 yr old son, but became ill on our 2nd last day and have been in bed since until late’ish yesterday, still feel terrible but think I’m better trying to be occupied with some ‘light stuff’. I came on to send you a message and have been on for quite a while, looking and reading more and more until the head is spinning a little, but after reading your article, I just had to write. I think I’ve told you before that we have 5 children and 14 g/children, I came from a family of 8 children, so grew up loving always having lot’s of fun (plenty of tiffs as well). With me I always loved children and being a ‘middle’ child, looked after and changed nappies etc. so I always wanted children and we have been very happy with our family, Ken was one of 2 boys, they always wanted a sister but it wasn’t to be, but we both wanted 5 or 6 children. It’s hard to explain the feeling of holding a new ‘warm wriggling little being’ for that first time, for that feeling I would have loved a dozen children.We had serious health problems with our middle son, but heart surgery, much care etc and excellent dr’s fixed that. We are very proud of our children and what they have achieved in life, but mostly we love them all and their families. One daughter has not married or had children, simply because she hasn’t met anyone she loves enough to do so. One son has 4 stepchildren he loves dearly and they adore him. I am happy with our choices but I don’t believe you or anyone else should ‘have to’ explain your choice/s of not having children, it is your life and your decision to make, you are leading a happy fulfilling life, plus you make a lot of people very happy with what you do, I wouldn’t be writing this if not for you and your beautiful ‘Bespoke’zine’. I can understand you writing this article, and it shows in all the responses that you are once again making many women feel good with what they have chosen or nature has chosen for them. I think it would be very hard for those who have a relationship with someone who does have wishes that differ to theirs re having children. I wish everyone well with their choices, I must admit, sometimes I would love to have had money for ‘other things’ but wouldn’t change our children for anything. And before I go Jess the original reason I came on to message you was that I have not forgotten the dresses I promised you, I have cleaned them/removed the musty smell, they came up really well, once I feel well enough, and before I go in for surgery in November, hopefully in a couple of days I will get them posted off to you. I have also just ‘subscribed’ for No.5 etc. as I love ‘Bespoke’ and all that we get with it from you and everyone else involved, I really love all the beautiful artistic work. I sometimes wish that if I had known and experienced what I have now, that I would not have allowed ‘other people’s’ opinions to have influenced some aspects of my life, now I am old enough to not let that happen, May All Girls/Women, make the Choices that are Right for Them! :o)
Fabulous blog post!! Everything you wrote is so “me”!! Although, like some others, my husband and I thought we wanted children early in our marriage (8 of them to be exact, HAHAHA!!! I come from a large family, and thought i wanted the same!). We had a whole slew of issues with infertility, and it wasn’t looking very promising. We did manage to get pregnant finally (after numerous early miscarriages), and lost the baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. A few weeks before our first ultrasound, we had discussed moving across the country in the event the pregnancy didn’t pan out. We lived in the rural midwest, and we really weren’t happy with our current living situation. We are not religious people either (at all), but to make a long story *somewhat* short and for lack of a better phrase, losing that baby was truly a “blessing in disguise”. I can’t even begin to explain how much our life has changed since that day 2 1/2 years ago. We did, in fact, move across the country, and everything about us is better, healthier, and happier, from our marriage to our lifestyle, to even our quality of life in general. I never realized some really big dreams that I had until about a year ago, and they would be nearly impossible to achieve with children in tow. My family doesn’t speak to me since we made the decision to stop trying to have children (my husband actually got a vasectomy), and hopefully one day they will change the way they feel, but I will never regret this decision that we have made. I am currently a nanny by profession, and as much as I adore my job and love the toddler I care for (from the time she was 5 weeks old and she is now 20 months–I couldn’t possibly love her more if she were my own), nothing could have solidified our decision more than the experience I have had with my job!! If anyone is in doubt whether kids are for you or not, become a nanny…you will realize what’s right for you in a heartbeat. It is essentially becoming a parent without having to actually BE a parent, haha… 😉 As for people telling me we will change our minds one day, or that I am selfish, it goes in one ear and out the other.After all, while they are stressing about their children’s medical bills or college fund, or any number of “problems” children bring to a marriage, my husband and I are happily enjoying each other’s company doing whatever we wish, virtually stress free. 😉
THANK YOU, for taking the time to post this and share this! I stumbled upon this from the site Pinterest and it really spoke to me. I’ve had a difficult time explaining the reason to some friends -I’m still not sure why I have to explain it though-. I love my friends dearly, and respect and understand their decision in having multiple kids, all I’ve ever wanted is for them to respect our decision as well, and to be happy for us too. Thank you again for sharing this! I love it!
Thanks for writing this! It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page as my husband and I. We are in our thirties and have been together for ten years, married almost that long. Our reasons are the same as yours. In the beginning, we got a lot of questions but over time it does get better. It’s almost as if you have to “prove” you are serious about remaining childfree (and I hate that). Recently I’ve been disturbed to meet adults and children who have never before heard of a married couple without children. It is hard for me to believe that is possible in today’s world but apparently it is. Like you, I hate the “what is your marriage about, if not children?” question so badly. Thanks for being a positive voice that is real and manages to directly address the topic of not being a kid hater w/o going the other direction and claiming you love love love being around babies 24/7, which would be lying. It seems like many people who speak for the CF community go in one extreme or the other but your perspective is really authentic and fresh – thank you!
You’re so welcome, thanks for visiting, and commenting! And I agree, there does seem to be a lot of folk who seem to stress how much they love (or hate) kids. Like I said – in my mind, kids are just little people, and I don’t understand why it’s expected for us to adore them all universally just because of that fact. Unless we’re a saint, none of us adore all grown-ups equally 😉
I so appreciate your post. I have heard all my life ‘you’ll change your mind one day’ about having kids. Yet here I am, 26, married for 5 years, and every day that passes I want kids less. And I swear if I hear ‘It’s different when they’re your own’ one more time, I might need to be committed. The reality is I love my time, my sleep, my freedom, my money, and my husband (I don’t want to share him!). I work in hospice, and your fear of having a child with a disability hits home with me, and I worry about something worse- what if one of my kids dies? I am sure I would love them if I had them, and I truly do not think I could handle that. Maybe my kids would be just fine, but what if they weren’t? Anyways, I just was so glad to read that someone else out there feels the way I do.
A million thanks. I’m 32 and have had no desire whatsoever to have kids. I have a great little apartment, a good career, a wonderful partner … basically, a fulfilling life with everything I need. Women need to know that this is an option, and society needs to stop with the childfree stigma!
I love the calm, non-defensive tone of your post. I follow a number of childfree people on Twitter and in the blogosphere, and I don’t care for the ones who berate parents (‘breeders’) and hate on kids. I have also chosen a childfree life. I’ve known for a long time that I didn’t want kids (first declaration: age 10; joined the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement at age 14). As I’ve gotten older and learned more about myself, I’ve realized that my personality, interests, and goals are all incompatible with motherhood. I love my quiet, calm life; I don’t want to work harder than I have to just to support another person; I have many interests and hobbies that I want to devote my time to. I’m deeply concerned about my ecological impact and don’t want to exponentially increase it by having kids. And I simply don’t have any maternal instincts to speak of, or find babies appealing. Unlike you, however, no one has ever told me I’d be a good mother. 🙂 Almost two decades after I first told my parents I was never having kids, they’re finally starting to believe me.
Thank you for writing this blog and being honest! I am also childfree, and while I agree with many of your reasons, I add to that list the reality that humanity is consuming far more resources than are sustainable. We are facing catastrophic climate change, fresh water depletion, loss of topsoil and soil fertility, and the acidification of the oceans, but still, overpopulation is our number one problem. All other environmental problems are made much worse by overpopulation.
In my mind, the SELFISH choice is to bring children into an unsustainable world. We must be the responsible generation and face up to these problems that previous generations have created.
Thanks for this thoughtful post, Jess. Unlike some women who have always known they wanted to be child free, I waffled for a long time. I went through a weird “baby craving” phase around age 28, but because of circumstances, those cravings were unfulfilled and eventually went away. It was only in the last 2 years, since I’ve met the love of my life, that I’ve finally come to the firm decision that having children is off the table. He shares custody of his two kids with his ex and does not want any more children so it sealed the deal for me, and it was such a relief! His youngest is 8 and we joke, “only 10 more years” until we can really make decisions based only on what we want. His kids are good kids and like and accept me, luckily, but I really can’t wait. I am now able to say with confidence that I am very happy being child free, and it only took until age 39 to say it. Thanks for the post.
You really care so much that 1) you feel anyone cares if you have kids or not 2) that you care what those people call you. Child-free or childless?
It is childless, without a child, get over your idea that a label matters. You are not child-free. Your are childless.
Child-free is obiviously offensive to people with children. You being “free” implies that we are not.
Btw, hope that photo is not “stolen” from Pinterest cause that is in no way a proper create to the photographer that owns that image. Try updating it to not “from pinterest” and give credit to the artist.
Hi Gil. I made that distinction in respect of those who cannot have children – those who are childless *not* by their own choice. It’s not a distinction that is made up, but one that’s generally accepted in childfree discussions. I certainly am both childless and childfree. Personally, I don’t mind which label people choose to attach to me.
Also, if you had a closer look at the image attribution, you’ll find that the first link is the original source of the photo, and the second is where I found it. Hence the ‘from’ and ‘via’.
I just spoke to a friend who drinks Sugar-free Pepsi. She had the nerve to tell me why (she’s trying to lose weight or some drivel like that). I couldn’t believe she’d use that word — to imply that I’m not “free” because I drink sugary soft drinks?
Gil, you obviously don’t have friends who have struggled to no avail to have children but cannot. If you did, you would understand that they very much appreciate the distinction between “child-free” and “childless”, and why a person who chooses not to have children could be considered quite insensitive to those who are childless not-by-choice by using that term.
Obviously, something really struck a nerve about this post for you, and I doubt it was simply semantics. But I can’t figure out what.
That is so out of context. Lol. I was not struck poorly about the free vs less context as I was by the poor credit given to the photographer of that image used.
What I find odd is the use of child free to mean you made a choice to not have children. Sugar-free is just a marketing label… Hmm much like saying child free for childless. Sugarless soda is what it is, but they say sugar free it implies that a soda with sugar is worse.
Well, my point was that you seem to be taking issue with semantics when there’s obviously something else bugging you. Maybe it’s just copyright infringement concerns, but that’s not the impression I got… 😉 But mainly I was saying, if you do want to focus on semantics, that there *is* a big difference between the two terms, as anyone struggling with emotional and physical pain of infertility will tell you.
One of the best things I ever read on our decision to be childfree:
“I feel that if you want children, you should want them more than anything else, want them with all your heart. I don’t feel that way and until I do, I won’t have children”.
It’s a comment you can make for people to stop asking you questions and to make them realize how inappropriate it is for other people to wish you had children even though you don’t want them.
I am 28, I’ve been married for 5 years, so I hear all of the comments you do. Glad to know you also have made the decision early on.
I’m glad another childfree person has come out. This is one of the last taboos, sadly! I don’t have kids of my own, partly by happenstance (I got too old before I met someone) and partly by choice (I opted not to try to ‘get’ a kid some other way because I enjoy the life my husband and I lead). I’m fine with it, though I get a pang once in a while, and have many friends who are childfree by choice or by chance. We are legion!
It really is outrageous how people judge us; in my case, it’s mostly men! One told me “a house isn’t a home without children” or “a family isn’t complete without children” or something like that. The other actually ragged on me that “having children is the greatest joy in life, bar none,” and implied that I was in someway shirking my duty as a woman. Excuse me, mind your own damned effing business!! It’s especially galling because I believe that both these men knew I was middle aged and that it was now biologically unlikely or impossible for me to become pregnant in case their spiels made me change my mind. I can’t go back and change my choice, and my reproductive life is not up for discussion.
I salute you for putting this out into the world. What bravery and courage! I imagine some of the 146 comments above me might be questioning your choice or saying rude things, but I hope not and honestly don’t have enough life force in me on a Monday to read them and get mad for you.
What I do have in me today is to say that I too question the decision to have children. I’m knocking on 30’s door, and that was always the limit I wanted to have kids in, if I wanted to have kids. I’ve been with my partner for almost 9 years now, and we aren’t married. We are kind of failures in the marriage dept. in our families. My parents split, his parents too. As well as BOTH sets of his grandparents. We also feel icky that not everyone who wants to get hitched can do so, and we feel like it’s unfair for us to go into that state without being sure we actually want to keep the “sanctity” of our marriage vows when others would die for that right.
However, we both stand on shifting sands about kids. He is the last of his line. If he doesn’t have a boy, the family dies with him. We’re also from the South. Imagine the pressure to get married and produce an heir (and there’s not even any money or title or land to pass down- just the stinkin’ name!).
We both have unsteady jobs (teacher at a state school- budget cuts! and a contract employee with county governments- budget cuts!). Kids cost a ton of cash.
My mother and I have a fractured relationship and are not really on speaking terms right now. I am not sure I can be a mother right now.
I also look around at the horrible things that keep happening and the crazy laws that everyone wants to pass to limit the rights of others- how could I bring a child into this mess?
And there’s the idea of growing an actual living thing inside my own body- a body that I don’t actually take awesome care of right now. This body is no place for a tiny thing to be growing.
So I wind up with the same answer to my own math problem: childfree.
I totally agree that there is something in our culture that marks us as less than if we don’t hit those milestones of adulthood.
I haven’t bought a house and don’t plan to unless I can afford to build it. I haven’t gotten married for reasons explained. I don’t know that we’ll ever have kids.
So am I still an adult?
Even more, am I still a woman? I am overweight and short, so I just keep falling just shy of the mark of womanhood that is fed to me by culture makers and the media. When a friend talked about the fear of breast cancer, she focused on the fear of losing what makes her a woman in her eyes: her breasts. I couldn’t really understand that position because I have never seen my body or any part of my body as what makes me a woman really. Yes, I have those physical markers, but I am a woman because of other reasons as well. So the loss of my breasts or my lack of reproduction doesn’t really hit me as a loss of womanhood or feel like a reason for being cast out of the womanly clubhouse.
I feel real sorrow for those who want nothing more than to be parents and are denied either biologically or through adoption laws/costs from having them.
One day, I might feel the urge for a child. One day I might feel like the world has moved on and become a place where a child might be a safe addition to my little family. One day, I might be older than 32 (the absolute last age I would feel comfortable having a baby due to the increased risks of birth defects) and feel that maternal instinct rise up in me.
Ok. Rock on. We’ll do something on that day about it.
There are faaaaar more children alive on this planet today and every day until the day I want a baby that aren’t wanted, loved, or cared for. My little brother is 9 years younger than I am, and he was a total accidental baby. My parents didn’t mean to have another kid. They didn’t even really want another kid, and they surely weren’t prepared to raise him. His life has been greatly diminished by that lack of desire my parents had to bring him into this world. They didn’t have time for a baby by the time he got here. They didn’t have time for a toddler, a tween, or a teen. He’s been bounced around from parent to parent, house to house, city to city, and school to school- always in trouble because nobody had time to look out for him. I was away at school and looked after him as best I could, but that wasn’t my responsibility. I didn’t bring him into the world. He also didn’t get the benefit of a great family support network like I did because our grandparents were in decline and dying by the time he could understand who/what they were.
I couldn’t stand to do that to a kid. It’s unspeakable.
On the day I want a child, I will look into bringing one of those children into my life to make his or hers better. I want to have something to offer a child other than air to breathe and the possibility of a good life. I want to be a whole person who can afford to give freely of myself, my time, and my money to make that kid’s life so much better than mine ever was. Most parents spend less time with their kids than strangers do-teachers, daycare workers, nannies, baby sitters. I want to have time to enjoy my child and give my child every possible advantage and experience he or she wants/deserves/needs.
For those reasons, I don’t feel selfish for my desire not to bring a child into the world. I feel like a rational person making the best decision for myself and any future kids I might want to have.
So, bravo sister. I’m proud that you are brave and courageous and am inspired to explain my position as well.
And also, sorry for the GIANT comment. Obviously, your post hit a nerve. 😀
Just stumbled upon your post and love what you’ve written. It’s Ike you’ve taken the thoughts out of my head! My husband and I are just turning 30 and have been on the fence about having children for some time as we’ve been together for 10 years and married for 4. We are certain we don’t want them but often worry about not fitting in with our friends anymore due to having a different childfree lifestyle. We’ve come to the conclusion that things likely will change but that is ok.
One thing I’d like to add is a frustration that I’ve had many times. I have been judged by mothers who have kids for NOT going though what they go through. As if the fact that I don’t sleep only 3 hours a night and spend my time caring for small people somehow makes me less capable as a person or somehow lesser than them. Next time I’m in an airport at 4am for work – should I call them and make them feel bad for not being a traveling businesswoman? I wish we could all just accept each other and realize we are all just doing the best we can.
It will be a good day when we don’t even feel a need to explain why.
It occurred to me that part of this discomfort others feel about childfree people involves the issue of abortion. As in, some so called prolife people may assume we have had one or several abortions and it offends them. And perhaps some of us have (not me, as it happens). That is not their business either, but I wonder if that doesn’t factor into the issue. As may the topic of nonreproductive sex in general…to fundamentalists, even married people having sex for its own sake and not for babies is a no no.
Hmm good point. Incidentally, I happen to be adopted and therefore would never abort a baby (but do not judge others who do) so it’s funny to think about the fact that others may assume that about me.
Thanks for writing this!!! My husband and I feel exactly the same way! Glad to be CF!!
Just came upon your post from a women’s forum where there’s a (tiny) cluster of us who have made the decision to be child-free. Thanks for your thoughts. It also reminds me how individual these decisions are (as so many of your reasons resonate with me, but many do not). And how it always surprises me how *personally* parents tend to take it that you have made a different decision than them. (And make me wonder, too, if they’re really as 100% confident in their own choice as they seems—otherwise, why would they be so concerned about mine?).
The “selfish” arguments get me the most. I could go on and on. *Every* personal decision a person makes is a selfish one, to some extent. The decision to not have children AND the decision to have them is based upon, “How do I want my life and future to be?” It is no more selfish to choose not to bring a child into this world — you are creating a needy thing that didn’t exist until you made it. You made it because, to some extent you wanted a thing to give to; because that’s what *you* wanted, not because it was sitting there waiting for your generosity. I hate to point this out, but there are thousands upon thousands of needy little things that already exist— that are alive and need parents right now. As I see it, the only truly unselfish choice is to adopt — everything else to have kids, to not — is just a personal decision. And I really feel sorry for all the women (and men) who never felt like it *was* a decision because of the way our society shuts down the conversation.
Stumbled across this from elsewhere, obviously a bit late to the party but I couldn’t resist sharing.
I’m 31, almost 32 and CF. My biggest thing is I genuinely don’t like children, don’t enjoy being around them and actively try to avoid them wherever I can outside of work. What the surprise is that you wouldn’t know it if you met me. I used to work full time with children (so I could further my career in my chosen field) and was great at it. I still do casual work coaching juniors and have been invited back for 5 years in a row because I am the best coach the club has ever had. I will always be polite to your child and speak to them with the respect they’ve earned. I will actively encourage them to try their hardest at what I’m teaching them and heap praise upon them for their efforts. The only time you might see the side of me that is less than affectionate is if they are being heinous little brats in public.
I guess I wrote this because the automatic assumption out there is that CF people who admit they’re not into children are immediately targeted as ‘child haters’ who will be horrible to all children around them. Actually no, we are still by and large reasonable human beings who were raised with enough manners to treat all equally. I might not love the time I’m spending with children but I will do my darndest to make sure they love the time I’m spending with them.
I’ve known for years that I probably couldn’t have children and I’ve always thought that made me kind of lucky. That statement rarely goes down well. It makes me lucky because I therefore never factored children into my future plans – that gave me the freedom to imagine doing ANYTHING ELSE I WANTED, without having to take time out to look after small children or earn enough for a big home or focus my attention on somebody else’s needs. Because I’d never set my heart on it, I never had to be disappointed if it didn’t happen.
When I was younger, I used to say if it happened, fine; if it didn’t happen, fine – I’d wait and see. But the older I get, the more I think I don’t even want to wait and see; my friends kids are adorable, but I look at them together and I realise it’s not stirring any sort of maternal longing in me. I’m quite happy with my life just being my boyfriend, my friends, two cats and me.
I really enjoyed reading this post. I wrote another couple of paragraphs but just deleted it all – it feels too personal to write out on a blog I’m visiting for the first time so I doubly commend you for your bravery! But didn’t want to miss the opportunity to say thanks for this post.
I LOVE THIS POST.
i was at a wedding the other day and got seated at a table with the only {visibly} pregnant woman in the room. she wouldn’t stop asking me & my husband “when” we were going to “start a family”. how many we “were going to” have. and on and on and on til i {rudely} began to text on my phone to avoid eye contact and to get her to stop talking.
and then she just patted her belly and put her other hand on her son’s head and smiled lovingly at her husband and cooed, “well. it wasn’t exactly in OUR five-year plan either. but we’re so happy.”
oh good for you. well i can’t have kids, so.
i realize we’re coming at a similar issue {no kids} from different pov’s {choosing not to vs. infertility}, but i can totally understand the frustration of stranger’s assumptions and inconsiderate words. and i’m glad you spoke up about it.
Thank you for this post. I’ve never been interested in children, never had any kind of maternal urges growing up. My husband has lots of nieces and nephews and when we got together I stopped disliking children so much, and even came to like them (or some of them at least!).
After we got married, I got clucky. Really clucky. Then we booked a big overseas trip and it all vanished again as I had something else to work towards. I can now see that I was completely miserable at work at that time, with a bully of a boss and I thought of having a baby as a way out. Plus everyone else I knew who was getting married were getting pregnant and it was being hammered into me – now you’re married, kids are the next step.
I have recently got an amazing job with fantastic people and it was this that started me thinking how I don’t want to have to leave it to go and have babies. From there I am now coming to the realisation that I don’t want children. Whenever I’ve thought about having them, I start thinking about how it’s a huge interruption to my life/career and wondering how I could work around that – when is the best time to have such an interruption? I now feel that it’s never.
My husband loves kids and I know he wants them. I don’t even know how to bring up the subject.
Emma, I feel for you – not being on the same page as your husband must be really stressful. I hope it doesn’t turn into a deal-breaker for you, and you can both reach a point where you are happy and fulfilled, whatever decision you come to xx
I stumbled upon your blog completely randomly, but I can’t express to you how much it’s made me feel normal. I’m a 22 year old female, I’ve been with my husband since we were 16, and both of us have decided we never want children. I know I’m very young, but I have serious doubts either of us will change our minds. We have a great life together full of so much happiness and love, I don’t see any reason to change it. My husband’s family is very old fashioned and already asking us when we want to start our family, I feel so much pressure, and just so unaccepted. It’s nice to see that I am not a “freak” other people share my opinions. Thank you for opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings : )
Thank you
I am 30 I have worked with children for 11 years in many capacities
I am recently married we have cats but no children I get asked about babies, of coarse I think people no matter what the situation find it hard to understand other people’s thoughts and feelings
I shutter when I think of having to take care of an infant. My only thing is sometimes I want to know what it’s like to feel something growing inside me Women are neat creatures but ill give up that experience to never have someone puke in my mouth and drive to Chicago on a wim
instead
So I know this is quite old at this point but someone recently pinned this on Pinterest and I decided to check it out. Here is the thing, I am a mother of two and love my children dearly. I have always wanted children and could never imagine MY life without them. There are serious hardships and sacrifices that come with motherhood, however, and I am at a stage in my life where those are particularly strong.
I happened to stumble upon the childfree board on Pinterest awhile ago and just started reading and about 15 minutes into it I was in tears. This group of women was malicious, judgemental, and taunting in the ideas they were putting forth. The entire board was comprised of a.) criticisms of other people’s parenting b.) disdainful pins about “breeders” in general c.) talk of how fat/stupid/unimpressive/boring/unaccomplished mothers are in general d.) how bratty/gross/annoying/stupid/burdensome the existence of children in the world at all is to them (ie. on facebook, in public etc.) e.) how much better their life is than mine and finally, e.) posts asking the general population to respect the choice that they had made not to have children.
I couldn’t believe the hypocrisy. This is a group that rightfully feels that their reproductive choices are not being respected by society at large. They want acceptance, and I agree they deserve it. This conversation should be happening more often. ALL of our reproductive choices, whether to be childfree, to adopt or to have 8 biological children should be respected. We should not be looking down on other women for their choice or making them feel inferior to us or telling them that their lives suck compared to ours. We should make informed choices about what is best for us and accept that a different choice may bring the most joy to someone else.
I appreciate this post from you because you truly do seem to want to promote a healthy, mutually-respectful dialogue about this. You seem to want ALL women to feel like they can proudly make choices about their reproduction without fear of judgement or insults from other women. Please continue to be a positive voice in the CF community because unfortunately the movement as a whole at this point in time is not seeking universal acceptance and respect but instead spewing bigotry, intolerance and condescension. Minority or not, it is not okay for anyone to be so bitter and confrontational about another person’s choices that it reduces them to tears.
Questions: 1) does anyone know of any male-initiated blogs dealing with their decision to remain child-free?
2) What is it that is so threatening to women, who don’t have career, genetic, or infertility barriers, about talking about their decision to not have kids? And
3) when explaining your decision, with whom do you feel most anxious -men, women, older, younger, family/peers or strangers?
I know I’m about 2-3 years later on this train but thank you for posting it. I’m adding comments because it is not something that is easily talked about in my family and every friend I have has children. And I really really need to talk and get this out of my system.
My husband has grown up children and is 15 years older than me. I’m mid-thirties and had always wanted children but as I was getting older pared that from wanting 4 down to just 1, to even, do I really want them at all?! I get on really well with one of his children. The other refuses to have anything to do with me. At the end of the day, they spend mother’s day right where they should – with their mother, not their step-mother.
I love my husband deeply and love the life we have together. I love my sleep, the fact that I don’t have school runs or sports events to drop kids off to and that our time is our time. I don’t believe we are selfish – I believe we know what we are prepared to give and what we’re not and that it’s best to not bring a child into it and then resent their presence if we can’t play golf together or go motorbike riding.
But, I do wonder what a mini-me would have turned out like and what it feels like to be pregnant.
I dislike that everyday it feels like it is rammed down my throat that I am less because I do not have children and it looks like I never will. TV ads – apparently only women with children need paracetamol or the multi-vitamin because they’re the only ones that are busy or experiencing stress! I get asked frequently in business conversations if I have children and get left out when I can’t discuss schools or what junior has achieved at little athletics! And more annoying, is being expected to stay back at work to cover all the others who have to race off to pick up junior from school or day care.
I am still trying to find peace with the fact that I will not have a child in this lifetime. It would be nice if all the parents out there could find value in my life as it is without condescending comments like “it would be so nice to have all that free time” or “all that spare cash” or “having kids is the best thing I ever did – I can’t imagine life without them”.
I respect the decisions others made to have children. But I think many also need to honestly account for the fact that they had a child/children by accident and fortunately the accident has turned out well for them! I have NEVER asked someone why they had children. I think it would be fair if they don’t ask me why I don’t have them.
My choice has not necessarily been to be child-free; rather my choice has been to love and be with a man who doesn’t want more children. We talked a lot before we got together because we knew this was a difference between us. But, I found after 6 months I didn’t want to be without him.
Thank you for letting me get this out. Not sure if anyone read it – or if some were bored beyond tears, apologies if they were! Again, thank you for the opportunity.