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This is a question that I have long considered, especially as I’ve gotten older.
Blue eyed cuties by yo_heidi_gurl
Now, I work with kids, and I find that quite enjoyable. However, I have always maintained that kids are great… as long as you can give them back.
Being a parent has never been anywhere near the top of my to-do list, even though I am increasingly surrounded by family and friends who are having children of their own. When I tell people that I’m not really interested in having kids, they inevitably tell me that I’ll change my mind when I hit the magic Three-Oh.
But I wonder Рwill I? And even if I do, will having children make myself or Nick (my fianc̩) any happier?
A number of people have written on this issue (The Happiness Project, Amelia Hill, Lorraine Ali) and have come to different conclusions based on their personal beliefs – but the research seems quite clear.
And the answer is no.
As someone with no plans to have children, this is a heartening find – though I can well imagine those of you out there who scoff at this finding, arguing that you love your kids more than anything, and can’t imagine being without them, and that *of course* they make you happier!
To be honest, though – it’s hard to miss something you’ve never had. I’ll use the analogy of siblings. I am an only child, and so have never known what it is like to have a brother or sister. But you know what? The vast majority of people that I have spoken to in my life have confided that I shouldn’t feel that I’ve missed out – because, apparently, having siblings is not all it’s cracked up to be. I take them at their word, but I’ll never know one way or another. It’s a similar thing with children. If I never have any, then all I have to go on is what I see around me, and the research and stories of others.
To be frank, most people I know who have kids (and, keep in mind I work with around 150 families) are constantly tired, frustrated, and worn out trying to run both their lives and their kids lives.
I think the one thing we can all, perhaps, agree on, is that once you have kids, your freedom is severely curtailed. You no longer have the time (or energy) that you used to, and your needs and wants go on the backburner while you take care of your child.
Call me selfish, but I love my life, and I don’t have a desire to sacrifice my current joys to parenthood – at least, not yet! I am the happiest I’ve ever been, I have a full life, and if I never have kids, I don’t think I’ll spend much time regretting it.
So, what is your take on this issue? Do your kids *really* make you happier? Or do you just want to believe they do?
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My mother always said, “If you can’t imagine your life without children, then you shouldn’t have them.” And she’s right. Mine do make me happier. They make me more stressed, tired and often crazy. But they do make me happier. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your analogy, either. Everyone has a choice to make and it looks like you are asking the right questions.
Wow, you have a lot of patience and strength to work in a field dealing with harried families like that. I couldn’t. No way. I love my kids, but want nothing to do with dealing with other people’s kids.
Interesting post.
I’m in a similar situation to you – I absolutely adore kids but have no desire to have any of my own.
My best friend of 23 years (who now lives just 600m from me) has two children which has worked out well for both of us. My boyfriend and I get some kid-time and she and her husband get some down-time.
I used to feel a tinge of guilt over my decision not to have kids even though it’s been clear for a long time that it’s the right thing for me. But more recently I’ve been thinking about the amount of over population in the world and the struggles kids face growing up these days. And I think it’s going to be useful for my friend’s kids to have a couple of doting ‘sparents’ as well as their parents to turn to and learn from.
xxx scarlett
Scarlett, your over-population point is one I often consider, as well. We’re currently breeding ourselves into oblivion if we continue to grow our population at the current rate! Our planet is a finite resource – and people very rarely take this fact into consideration when the idea of children is raised.
I always wanted kids. I wanted 6 of them. I also wanted the whole package. Loving husband, farm,being a stay at home mom . Milking the cows and weeding the vegetable garden.
What happened in real life is far different.
I am a single mother of one. The dad of my DD is far from loving, and hasn’t existed in our lives since he found out about my pregnancy.
I work 40, 50 , sometimes even more hrs a week. I love my daughter beyond all understanding of love. But does she make me happy? In fleeting moments the things she says and does make me happy.
Mostly I am irritable, short tempered, tired, overworked,overwhelmed ,and broke.
We have a decent life, and she gets more than she needs as far as material things. I worry that I don’t give enough , or the right kind of emotional support to her. I have trouble doing that for myself.
My sister never wanted kids. Even when we were kids she never wanted to play the mom. She did not change her mind, and has not had any. Is she happiER ? How does one determine levels of happier? She gets to do more, go more places, but I don’t think it is about being more , or less happy.
I do know that if something were to happen to my daughter (GOD FORBID) I would never be happy again. So I guess that means that yes she makes me happier.
Susan,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation – I think being a single parent must be one of the toughest things out there. I think anyone working as hard as you would have a tough time being consistently happy! Thank you for your comment.
I don’t have any children, but am a former teacher and have 8 nieces and nephews. From observation I think children are a ton of work and a real headache sometimes, but I think the HUGE payoff is when they are adults. Then, if they are close to their parents it’s a different kind of relationship and is an enormous blessing to the parents.
Tess, you make a good point. The one thing I regret about being an only child is that, when my parents are gone, I will have no close blood-family left. I am hoping for a long and happy marriage, but, again, if I don’t have children there will probably come a time when I am old, and completely alone in the world. People with children have that person/those people there to give comfort and perhaps meaning to the end years of their lives. I’ll just have to settle for being the really annoying old matriarch who lords it over her cousin’s children… (I have about 25 cousins!) 😀
in a way it’s a strange question for you to ask – to ask that question it’s like you are doubting your decision?
i have two children one of each with ten years between them – the intensity of love i feel for them is sometrhing i’ve never experienced with any other relationship – it is scarily strong and it is stronger when they are little – i really believe that if i lost my babies there would be no point to my life my heart would break and i would die – now i know that sounds melodramtic but it is how i feel.
that said my kids drive me nuts – i get no guilt free time for me – and my house is a tip BUT i wouldn’t change it.
by the way i am an only child – i don’t feel like i missed out and i was/am not a person to suffer from loneliness.
Vintage, I think being an only child makes you emotionally self-resilient, and grows the ability to be happy by yourself. And I doubt every decision I make to some extent – I think everyone does 🙂
I to was a single parent. This was something I chose because of my sons father and I chose to have my child. Did that decision to have my son make me happier?. NO it didn’t why? because being a single parent is the hardest thing in the world and I was alone for the most part I was miserable at times and depressed. Working 2 jobs, going to school and raising a kid with special needs was very hard. At times I just wanted to give up, but I hung in there. I was unhappy of the situation I was in but I was happy to have a healthy child despite his disability. I never regret the decision to have my son because it made me a stronger person and for me making me a stronger person, made me be a better mother. (at least I think). I am happy that my son was raised by me and only me because he wouldn’t be who he is today if it wasn’t for me. He has a learning disability that is very challenging to him and has learned to live a full life with it. I think I played major part in why he is living his life to the fullest. So having my son at such a young age didn’t make me happy, but the love for my child and the unconditional love I got from him did make me happier. I never had anymore children and he is now 23. That love made me a loving mother to my son and to see him happy makes me happy.
I must respond… a resounding YES! I am a high school teacher (22 years now) so I enjoy working with the kids of others. There was a time I wasn’t sure if I would be a “good” mother. Then one day, I realized I could learn to be a “good” mom – so I read tons of books, some helped others didn’t. But I the one thing I didn’t know then is that all it takes to be a really good mom is enless amounts of patience, persistence and love.
My husband and I tried for nearly 2 years to get PG, I came to realize it might not ever happen and that brought a tremendous sadness. Then… it did! My pregnancy was enjoyable despite a little complication and I continued to teach throughout including the day I had my daughter. One of my students was truly distressed when he saw me at school on my due date – he told me I was having a baby that day and shouldn’t be at school but I reassured him that I wouldn’t have it during his class. He was then very relieved. 🙂
Since then…. motherhood has been filled with frustration, stress and fear. But the love of a child and the honor of watching her come into her own far outweighs the negatives. Despite having to tell her to put her clothes away 10,000 times, staying up late to finish a project for school and the worry of the decisions she will make as she continues to find her way – I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. One day I hope I have more money or travel around the world, but those things won’t be my biggest accomplishments. Helping my child become a productive, kind and loving adult – that’s what will make my life complete as I look back in my old age.
Plus… lots of giggles, hugs and kid creations – those things are just the icing on the cake and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world! 🙂
Just one mom’s perspective…
Thank you all for your wonderful and moving comments – it’s lovely to hear how much your children mean to you all, and how, despite all the trouble they can give you, the love you feel trumps anything else.
YES! I think having children do make you happier – Total and true all encompassing love – it becomes your life. Unless you have children, you can’t have the same feeling.
Some people think they are happier without children but in actuality it is because they are happier with material things. They can go out anytime they want, buy anything they want, do what they want, and so on…. Is it true happiness or selfishness?
I am a mother of three grown children and experienced both a lot of highs and lows when raising my kids and even after they were grown. I love each of them and wouldn’t give up a single day of my parenting years, even the bad times.
But, let me tell you, the very best thing about having children, is having the opportunity to have grandchildren! I have 4 beautiful granddaughters and they make all of the hard times in the past (and present) worthwhile!
This is interesting. If you’ve never known what it’sd like to have kids, then you couldn’t say if they would make you happier or not. Personally, I could never imagine life without my kids – in fact – I believe that they were teh reason I kept my sanity through my recent relationship breakdown – I knew I had to stay strong for them and that whatever happened, the love they have for me, and I for them – will always be completely unconditional – and that thought keeps me going through everything.
Would you mind if I shared this blog post on a parenting forum I frequent??
Hi Nadia – I’m sorry to hear about your relationship – but I’m glad to hear your kids helped you through. And I’d be honoured if you would share my post! 🙂
I never really wanted children either, I did but I didn’t.
I hated babysitting, I don’t generally like children at all. I was never one of those “let me hold your baby!” people either. But, I wanted to have my own as I have a strong family centered drive and I wanted to have children with my husband.
I have 2 little boys now (3 and 1) and YES it is very frustrating and tiring at times, (and sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind). But, they are the absolute joys of my life. I feel fulfilled and complete with them. I even want another. My children teach me so many wonderful things about me and the world. It has strengthened my relationship with my husband. I am truly a mother hen and protector over my brood. I dream about raising them and teaching them and experiancing all of those wonderful joys that come with parenthood. I get so excited to see them learn new things and succeed and I love to see them happy and play with them.
But, I still am not big into children, other’s peoples kids just don’t do it for me. I have to remind myself to bond with my neices and nephews, even though I love them dearly.
This is just me. Everyone is different. Some people would be excellent parents, but don’t have kids, some people are terrible parents and won’t stop having them! We all just have to do what works best for us so long as we can create a loving and safe environment for our families.
“To be frank, most people I know who have kids (and, keep in mind I work with around 150 families) are constantly tired, frustrated, and worn out trying to run both their lives and their kids lives.”
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I HAD to comment on this. I know single people and married people all without kids who are frustrated, worn out and tired too.
Many people overwork and overschedule and even over play themselves to death. This isn’t neccesarily due to having kids, but the problem that so many families don’t just sit around and have fun and enjoy each other, but they make big productions out of everything. Simplifying our lives can bring so much joy to tired families.
I love your post and am loving all the comments. I’m impressed with the honesty. When I was younger I wasn’t sure I’d want kids, I was selfish and I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. As I got a little older and became serious with my boyfriend we started to want them. I did think about overpopulation, as did my parents. So we decided on 2 kids. I have lots of friends who were only children and didn’t appreciate it. And I also knew there’s no way I could handle a lot of kids. I tend to stress too much, and I deal with anxiety. Anyway, I don’t know if you can understand wanting kids until it happens to you. There really is an overwhelming hormonal drive to reproduce and I just knew I’d never be complete without experiencing children. I know love babies more than anything. Although, after having my own 2 and having my hands plenty full, I enjoy other babies and I enjoy giving them back! Sometimes I miss my ‘freedom’. But that’s our own fault because we’ve moved around and haven’t had friends or family available to help out with babysitting so we can get some grown up time.
I don’t think I can directly answer the question. I thought through being a parent a LOT before going for it and it’s still harder than I thought. I am not nearly as patient as I need to be and I feel terrible about it. And I can not imagine going back to life without kids either. They are such a joy and some of the best moments of my life have been because of them.
It’s one road or the other, no choice is right for all and you can’t do both. Either way of life with have it’s pros and cons. I figure attitude has more to do with it than anything.
Krishell
I’m sure my husband and I would have been perfectly happy if we hadn’t had children but we did and I don’t know what we would have done without our girls. They definitely redefined meaning and purpose in our lives. They are now 18 and 19 and and I so proud of them both of them. It was not pretty or easy but absolutely worth everything I put into them. I am not defined by them…being a parent…but I certainly think my life has been enriched by them and I feel if nothing else, my having children have made me a better human being. I am satisfied that when I die I have brought two beautiful human beings into this world. I love more than anything the wonderful father my husband is and the wonderful, creative, thoughtful and empathic people we have contributed! I am more joyful than I ever thought I would be! Life is so good. Enjoy every moment!
I would say that *my* kids make *me* happier, in a general, overarching sense. (Some days I’m just tired :)) And my kids are well past the toddler age, so they are more independent and capable, which means more free time for mama.
I really think people should think about having kids and what it means, and make the decision that feels right for *their* life and personality. (And we LOVE the people who don’t have kids, but enjoy spending time with ours! :))
I think it’s hard to judge whether they make you happier, because a parent hasn’t experienced the same point in time without a child.
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant two years ago. Being only 20 and having been with my boyfriend for only a few months it was kind of a strange decision to keep the child, but we decided to. I feel like I’ve grown up exponentially fast.
My little one has now just started walking. I’m probably more tired and irritable than I would otherwise be, but I’m also more proud of myself, more understanding, and more willing to compromise. I think enrichment is a great word to describe the feeling of being a parent, rather than happiness. I’ve grown so much as a person and learnt a lot from having my daughter in my life. Her pleasure in the small things makes me slow down and take pleasure in them too, and her laugh is infectious.
At other times I wish to god I could just sleep in when I want and quit cleaning the muck in her highchair. But there’s a negative side to most things.
I don’t think people who have kids to be ‘happier’ are doing it for the right reasons. A child won’t fix problems, they’ll probably create more. This is why one child is about all I can handle right now and I think it will be a long time, if at all, I decide that I want another. It doesn’t mean I regret her, I just have enough on my plate at the moment.
I’ve always wanted to have a child at some point though (I just thought it would be much, much later in my life). I think that if I didn’t have any I would regret it, once I reached 40 or so. There’s something very special about that immediate family relationship.
Hayley, I think using the word ‘enrichment’ rather than ‘happiness’ is very apt 🙂
I think this is such an interesting topic, great post and great replies.
I’m in my mid-thirties and have always known that I don’t want kids. I’ve been in a committed relationship for 11 years and my partner feels the same way. I have constantly been frustrated with comments from others, insisting that one day I’ll change my mind and decide to have kids!
I’m an aunt to two lovely girls and I love spending time with them and my friends’ children, but I can’t imagine ever wanting them for myself, and know that personally, having kids would not make me happier.
I think it’s such a personal decision, though, and a quantifying and qualifying of what makes one happy has to do with one’s expectations. In the Pew Research study on happiness and children, it took into account what the parents expectations were before having children, and how that compared to reality.
I also think these studies help support those of us who have decided to not have kids by saying look – we don’t have to be miserable and selfish just because we don’t have kids, when so many around us insist that we can’t be happy until we have children, that children “complete” us.
I agree, and there is certainly that perception out there that your life is not ‘complete’ without children.
interesting question…
honestly, the answer for me is no. i am a mother of two and while my children have enriched my life exponentially-i was happy before i had them. for joe and i, having children was more of a decision to open up our happy, loving relationship to them and in turn, we were given a gift of two pretty awesome little people.
at 17 and 9, the fatigue has ceased and we’ve acquiesced in such a way that everyone has room carved out for themselves, so we’re past the new parent bustle. however there is always a fire to fight, so we’ve got to be careful not to get too comfortable.
it is perfectly “normal” (for lack of a better word) to opt out of parenting. i’ve been in the game too long to imagine my life without children, but i certainly can accept and appreciate those who can’t imagine their lives with ’em.
Wow, what an interesting topic and the responses thus far have been thought provoking.
As for me, my children do make me happy and they make me unhappy. The happiness surely outweighs the unhappiness. They do require patience, understanding and the willingness to sacrifice. 2 of my 3 are in college and I must say that I like the quietness around the house. I will be an empty-nester soon and I welcome it :O)
Children aren’t for everyone and I certainly respect those who know they don’t want them and are comfortable with it.
I know people sometimes wonder about married couples without kids. They always seem to think that there’s some infertility issue. In many cases they’re aren’t. Some couples know that they don’t want kids. There’s nothing wrong with being married without kids.
I don’t feel you are “selfish” for choosing not to have kids. I feel that sometimes too many are selfish in choosing to bring kids in to this world for wrong reasons actually, or really should never have had ever had them (spoken from childhood experience). But, unfortunately, nothing and no one can govern who has or does not have them.
I enjoyed reading your post.
Thank-you, Jocelyn – on both counts 🙂
I believe happiness comes from within. Each person needs to do what makes them happy personally with or without kids.
I have three kids and love them more than anything and couldn’t imagine life without them. They make me feel happy, cranky, sad, content, fulfilled and tired. Having children may not feel rewarding in the short term for some. Especially for Mums who work in professional fields or are passionate about what they do. Having to sacrifice all they have worked for to deal with little minds all day can definitely cause a numbing sensation from the neck up.
In saying this, I am very happy with my life with my three children and loving husband. What if I had an alternative reality? Who really knows if I would be happy or not.
I believe each person should think very carefully about having children and make their decision before the clock ticks out. Growing old and living a lonely life is a possibility for someone who decides not to have children. There are long term rewards for having children. At Christmas time you would be surrounded by loving family, your children, grandchildren, maybe even great-grandchildren.
Thank you for this topic, it has definitely put things in perspective for me. I can’t wait to give all three of my kids a big cuddle 😉
I’m glad to hear that I helped! And that you’ve got a happy life with your family – those of us who do should be very thankful 🙂
I’m glad I had you Jess, Dad and I couldn’t imagine life without you. You’ve brought us so much joy and no one would be enjoying your websites your artistic talents as well as the many talents you have, and we wouldn’t have wonderful Nick as a new member to our family. We would have missed many many wonderful times without you! Love, your (at times crazy) MUM. xoxoxo
I was never having children.
But then I did have the inevitable body clock thing happen and I fell pregnant most inconveniently to an English backpacker.
and now I have two, and of course, I love them more than anything, yada yada… BUT. being a mother is so insanely hard and intense and feels like such a struggle most of the time. 1,487 different ways to ‘parent’, that I always am second-guessing myself. My children are growing into pretty awesome people (at least, the 7yo is showing good signs!) and for that i am grateful.
I would say to you, Jess, that if you don’t want children, then don’t. I don’t think children make you “happier” at all. Yes, it can be a lot of fun, and there is much to be said to live through the eyes of a child – but it sounds like you do that anyway.
Though I obviously wouldn’t ever want them taken away, if I knew what I know now, I wouldn’t have gone down this path.
I always intended having kids and loved having kids (3 of, the first born when I was28 years old). I have been a primary school teacher for 37 years, so have had heaps of interaction with kids. Was it worth it? Hell yes. The hardest stage has been the most recent one, when they have all set up successful lives independent of their parents.
However, as I stated to my second son at dinner this evening, I now resent the amount of money I spent on their education (private schools and uni X 3) and wish that I’d been more selfish and spent the money on travel/material comforts!
Hey, great question. Follow your own desires whatever they may be, but remember to love and be gentle with the people around you!
what a great read! i almost cried when I read your mum’s post.
being a parent has made me happier – improved the quality of my life, even my mum pointed this out to me. i had stopped calling her up with migraines and fits of depression, and didn’t realise it myself! my boy is funny, and frustrating, i get mad, tired, feel guilty, i feel fits of joy so intense i think my heart will burst.
but that’s just me! we all have to try to do what we think is right, and we need no long winded reasons. you’ll know deep down what you want, the rest is just so much fuff.