As the big ’09’ is just around the corner, I thought I should write a post about New Years Resolutions.

But everybody’s already written about the resolutions you should make – you know, like eating healthily or exercising… getting more organised…

So, I decided to take a slightly different perspective. Here’s a list of 10 New Years Resolutions that you absolutely shouldn’t keep… but, chances are, you will…

1. Get Terribly, Hideously Drunk

This is so, at 8am the next morning, when you are vomiting, you will be reminded as to why you should never get terribly, hideously drunk again. Should you?

2. Don’t dare attempt to take up that hobby you’ve been dreaming of for years

What’s the point? You’ll just spend lots of money to find out that you hate rock-climbing/fly fishing/glass-blowing/kite-flying/(insert hobby here). Oh, and you’ll meet new and interesting people and add to your life experience *shudder*. Just stay at home, nice and safe, and keep watching TV, my friend.

3. Ignore your dearest friends – and while you’re at it, your partner and kids, too!

They love you anyways, right? Why bother putting any effort into maintaining the relationship at all. If they’re really your friend they’ll be there to lend you $5000 when your uninsured car blows up and you need a new one right now!

Your wife? Eh – all the hard work is done! Just sit back and grow that beer gut, buddy! No-one needs to put any effort into keeping the other half happy once you’ve got them!

Don’t even mention the kids… they have the Internet to tell them what to do…

4. Eat whatever takes your fancy – and do it now!!

Mmmm… chocolate (please read beer if you are male). As much as you can eat. For ever. Doesn’t that sound like heaven? Of course that little piece (drink) won’t do you any harm… Diabetes happens to other people!

5. Make sure your job stresses you out!

You are so damn important that the cup of coffee you made wrong/sale you didn’t make/typo you missed will snowball and mean an end to humankind!!! The planet’s oceans will boil away! No-one will ever love/hire/smile at you again because you’re the harbinger of doom!!

Of course your mistake will still matter this time next year!!! Won’t it?

6. Watch too much TV

TV is your warm, fuzzy friend. It loves you! Never leave its side, or you might miss the Australian/American/Pop Idol finale! Or be the last to know what country Brad and Angelina get their next kid from! Shock-horror!

Of course the fact that you sit inert for hours each day, your eyes and attention mesmerised by a glowing lightbox, is healthy! This one really helps you stick to resolutions 2, 3, 4 and 8, as well, so it’s extra-important to keep!

7. Make promises you don’t keep

This goes for promises to others, and promises to yourself, as well. Let’s be frank – whenever you say “I promise”, everyone knows you don’t really mean it! And then they go and act all hurt and surprised when you don’t keep your promise! I mean, how dare they!

8. For heaven’s sake – don’t exercise!

Really,  there’s no solid evidence that it does you any good, right?

9. Buy whatever you want, whenever you want, and damn the credit card bill!

Recession? What recession? I’ll just keep spending… they money will come from somewhere! I can afford to pay my new $2000 TV off over 12 months – I only have to pay 18% interest. Oh yeah, and the $500 worth of clothes… and the new computer… um…

10. Keep making To-Do lists… and never finish them

Organisation is totally overrated. So what if you’re mobile phone is cancelled because when you got the bill you put it in the pile of already un-opened mail and forgot about it?

Just keep living on the fly, and you can look forward to endless messyness, disorganisation and frustration! Won’t that be nice 🙂

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This list, was, of course, written with tongue in cheek – but it also carries a message – especially to myself ! Some of these things I am notorious for, (number 10 in particular – ahem), and some I am lucky enough to have overcome.

So, do share! What’s the New Years Resolution that you shouldn’t keep?

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